Are You Fighting for Your Marriage—or Abandoning Yourself? | Kameran “Kam” Al-Areqi — Part 1
[00:00:01] Michael: WHAT IF…
[00:00:01] trying to keep the peace is actually creating resentment in your marriage!
[00:00:05] Kameran Al-Areqi: Hello friends, I was the president of the people-pleasing club. I was that woman. I was the woman that's like, "Oh, sure, yeah, absolutely.
[00:00:13] yeah ... it's just building resentment inside you.
[00:00:16] Grace: What happens when loving them starts costing you yourself?
[00:00:19] LISTEN IN!
[00:00:20] Kameran Al-Areqi: If you want me to be your lover, I cannot be your mother.
[00:00:22] Dolores: ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE—OR ABANDONING YOURSELF?
[00:00:26]
[00:01:15] Speaker: Welcome back to Empowering Women in Conversations. Today I'm joined by Kameran Alareqi, who goes by Kam.
[00:01:22] Kam is a marriage coach, host of the Married and Connected podcast, and founder of Recognizing Potential Coaching. What I really wanted to talk with Kam about today is something I see often with women, especially people pleasers, how we work on our relationships without losing ourselves in the process.
[00:01:41] And Kam also brings a very personal perspective because she has studied relationships, not only that, but she has also lived through it, and rebuilding a marriage. So Kam, welcome. I'm excited to have this conversation with you.
[00:01:55] Kameran Al-Areqi: Thanks. I'm so excited to be here.
[00:01:58] Speaker: And I just wanted to [00:02:00] begin the story of how you came to begin this coaching business and your podcast.
[00:02:06] Kameran Al-Areqi: The podcast was a COVID baby, that I was pregnant and bored and needed something to do. So that's, that's how that became and then it just stuck. The coaching actually was way before that. I was a kindergarten teacher for over a decade, and I was good at it. I didn't love it. I knew that was not my calling.
[00:02:28] And so I started really working with a coach to figure out what my purpose was. And they had me go back to like almost l- like childhood, middle school age, what were you interested in, things like that. And I actually realized that in high school, we had to do a senior thesis paper before we could graduate.
[00:02:50] Speaker: Yeah.
[00:02:50] Kameran Al-Areqi: And I did mine, I grew up in a very small town, and so I did mine on relationships and marriage, and couples who had been married for 30 or more years, and what [00:03:00] made that tick, and what m- made them stay together, and all the things. So really, I shouldn't have changed my major 11 times in college.
[00:03:06] I should have just, stuck with the psychology and the relationships that I was so interested in there. But that's kind of how it started. And then I became a life coach before being a life coach was cool. Yeah. And I had a c- a client that Kame to me and she was like, "Look I've taken all your courses, I've coached with you for a long time, but my marriage is struggling.
[00:03:26] I need your help." And I was like, "Well, that's not really what I do." And she was like, "Well, if you don't do it, we're getting a divorce." So, you know. Wow. No pressure or anything. So I was like, "Oh, oh, okay." So I did it, and in the middle of that, I was like, "Oh my gosh, this, I love this." I had already been divorced once, and my second marriage, I didn't want that to end, but we were already starting on a rocky road.
[00:03:52] Could not find anybody that understood our aviation lifestyle, could not understand multicultural differences- Yeah ... like, [00:04:00] all of these things. And so all of that was kind of the perfect storm of like, okay, I'm gonna become what we need, and also- This is my jam. And nine years later, here we are.
[00:04:13] Anita Sandoval LPC: Was there a moment where you realized, you know what, something has to change and I have to look at myself too? 'Cause you mentioned the- Yeah ... whole second marriage being rocky.
[00:04:22] Kameran Al-Areqi: Yep. Yep. Career-wise, it was me crying every morning going to school and every mor- every evening coming home. I was away from my babies.
[00:04:33] I knew this wasn't... I'm like, I did not have these kids for somebody else to raise. ... that's ludicrous. I'm not making a difference in these kids' lives just because of, admin and the way that things are and legislation and all the things. I'm not doing what my calling is here. And then marriage-wise, I started wrecking- recognizing a lot of the same patterns in myself in the first- that I had in the first marriage. But [00:05:00] also starting to look at, like, how I responded to conflict, how he responded to conflict. Just some of the behaviors that we had- Yeah ... where I was like, I don't... I'm saying yes when I actually wanna say no.
[00:05:15] Speaker: Yeah. Yes.
[00:05:15] Kameran Al-Areqi: And I'm doing a lot of these things that I know are not healthy, but why?
[00:05:22] Why am I doing this? And so it was less about looking at him and more about looking at myself- Yeah ... and being like this cannot, this is not sustainable.
[00:05:32] Anita Sandoval LPC: I love how you said that, more looking at me than looking at him. Because one of the things I get in my practice is when they come to session, they say, "I need you to , , talk to my husband, because he's the problem."
[00:05:43] Yep. And I go, "Well, there's always two in a relationship. One that does it and one, one that allows it." Mm-hmm. And y- you actually, in the second marriage, you went through divorce and reconciliation. What did rebuilding your marriage require that you didn't understand the first time around?
[00:05:58] Kameran Al-Areqi: Complete emotional [00:06:00] sobriety.
[00:06:00] . So emotional sobriety is taught by a coach named Dr. Andrea Ritz.
[00:06:05] Speaker: Okay.
[00:06:06] Kameran Al-Areqi: She is brilliant, and basically what her whole thesis around this is what controls your emotions controls you.
[00:06:18] Okay. So if you, like you can sit there and blame your husband all day long, and you can say, "Well, he doesn't listen, and he lies, and he cheats, and he, and he, and he," but how you respond to that is the, the ground that you need to walk on, that you need to actually face. Ah. Because it doesn't matter what he's doing, it's what you're doing.
[00:06:43] Because conflict takes two people. - it's physically impossible to have conflict if one person is responding in a healthy way. It's physically impossible. So for me, I had to go through, and it's looking at, your childhood creates [00:07:00] everything in your life. And so looking at childhood traumas, looking at what I saw growing up, was it healthy, was it not?
[00:07:07] Is this something I want to replicate? All of that. Yeah. And then where was he still triggering me? Because people think, and this is a, a very common misconception, but people think that a marriage is to make you happy. It's to make you fulfilled. No, no. That ideology, you might as well just replace all of that as, "My marriage makes me codependent.
[00:07:33] Yay."
[00:07:35] Speaker: Yes.
[00:07:35] Kameran Al-Areqi: No. That's not what a marriage is for.
[00:07:37] Speaker: Yeah.
[00:07:38] Kameran Al-Areqi: A marriage is actually for growth. Yeah. A marriage is to trigger the crap out of you and say, "Oops, see? That's what you need to fix. That's what you need to work on." Yeah. And it's hard sometimes. Yeah. It's not great. No. But it's also necessary.
[00:07:54] Speaker: Yeah.
[00:07:54] Kameran Al-Areqi: And so again, looking at myself, I had to look at how I was responding, [00:08:00] how I was reacting- Yeah
[00:08:01] not responding and fix all of that. Because every time I let him control my emotions or get- Yeah ... a rise out of me-
[00:08:08] Speaker: Yeah ...
[00:08:09] Kameran Al-Areqi: I was letting him control me, and he didn't even know he was doing it.
[00:08:12] Speaker: You said emotional sobriety. You're
[00:08:13] Kameran Al-Areqi: fine. Yeah.
[00:08:15] Speaker: And what was the other one?
[00:08:16] Kameran Al-Areqi: Emotional sobriety and taking things very, very slow
[00:08:20] Speaker: Okay. Let's talk about that. Yeah.
[00:08:22] Kameran Al-Areqi: When you're reconciling a marriage-
[00:08:24] ...
[00:08:24] it's really easy because it's comfortable.
[00:08:27] Speaker: Okay.
[00:08:28] Kameran Al-Areqi: And so as human beings, we're naturally gonna gravitate towards the comfortability of things.
[00:08:32] But that comfortability is what got us here in the first place.
[00:08:35] Speaker: Yeah.
[00:08:36] Kameran Al-Areqi: So we had to let everything that was happening before our divorce completely die, and then come back and rebuild everything super-duper slowly- Wow ... so that we were intentional about it. Because as human beings, like, we're gonna live 95% of our life on autopilot, right?
[00:08:55] Speaker: Yeah.
[00:08:55] Kameran Al-Areqi: That doesn't work when you're trying to reconcile and when you're trying to rebuild a [00:09:00] relationship.
[00:09:00] You're gonna fall into those old patterns and do the exact same things that got you there in the first place.
[00:09:03] Speaker: Yeah.
[00:09:04] Kameran Al-Areqi: So we had to be very intentional in even responding. We're both very fast-paced, go, go, go, get it done type of people.
[00:09:12] Speaker: Okay.
[00:09:13] Kameran Al-Areqi: And we had to slow things down even in our conversations and realize, like, we got the rest of our lives to have these conversations.
[00:09:20] Like, it doesn't have to be fixed before, 8:00 when it's 7:45. Yeah,
[00:09:25] Speaker: yeah.
[00:09:25] Kameran Al-Areqi: So we just had to really slow down and be intentional with our words, be intentional about date nights, about trips, about... And we had to break everything down. Here's what didn't work for me. Here's the e- the examples that I had.
[00:09:39] There's a lot of, a lot of people think that ignorance is just what you don't know. It's, there's a lot of different types of ignorance, actually. Okay. Ignorance is what you're not willing to see-
[00:09:52] Speaker: Ah ...
[00:09:52] Kameran Al-Areqi: in terms of an experience of what you're giving somebody else. Yeah. Ignorance is pride, what you're not willing to [00:10:00] look at and what you're not willing to let go of.
[00:10:02] I- ignorance is not knowing. Mm-hmm. But ignorance is also repeating patterns that you haven't even looked at, but you know that, like, your mom did that, and your grandma, and your great-grandma, and your great-great-grandma. Yeah. Yeah. So, like, all of that ignorance, like, we had to really look at that, and that's really hard.
[00:10:19] Yeah. But we had to look at that ignorance and say, "What are we doing just because cultures did that, Yeah. "For the last five generations or whatever." and we had to change it.
[00:10:29] Speaker: Yes. And change is hard. Oh, definitely. I always tell my patients in a relationship, 'cause when they want couples counseling, they're like, "Okay, this is gonna make us work."
[00:10:40] Mm-hmm. That's a very big misconception, okay? It is. Yeah. Yes, yes. Therapy or coaching, couples counseling, it's not to bring the family together. It's like you said, emotional vulnerability of it. Yeah. And here it's discussing the ignorance of are you willing to [00:11:00] learn, grow, and change? Yeah. So you either learn, grow, and change together, or you learn- Yeah
[00:11:04] grow and change apart.
[00:11:06] Yep. And that's really it. I work with a lot of women who are people pleasers, or who- Mm-hmm ... tend to people please and appease mm-hmm, mm-hmm. They give, they accommodate, avoid conflict. They keep saying, "I'm fine."
[00:11:20] Then eventually they're exhausted, burnt out, resentful- Yep ... passive-aggressive. Yep. So what, what happens to a marriage when one person keeps abandoning themselves to keep the peace?
[00:11:31] Kameran Al-Areqi: Your marriage dies. And it's your fault
[00:11:35] Speaker: Plain
[00:11:35] Kameran Al-Areqi: and simple I'm just gonna say it
[00:11:36] Speaker: Just-
[00:11:36] Kameran Al-Areqi: Plain and simple Yeah Your marriage is gonna die- Yeah
[00:11:38] and it's gonna be your fault. And the reason, the reason I say this, and I say this with all the love in the world. I say that, like, jokingly, but not.
[00:11:45] Speaker: Yeah.
[00:11:45] Kameran Al-Areqi: Hello friends, I was the president of the people-pleasing club. I was that woman. I was the woman that's like, "Oh, sure, yeah, absolutely. You need your, your, your clothes washed and dried and folded and ironed and, 16 meals prepped for the [00:12:00] next four days, and you only have 15 minutes to do it?
[00:12:02] Absolutely. Sure, I can do that. I can do that." And the whole time I'm like, "
[00:12:05] Speaker: No muh, please muh."
[00:12:06] Kameran Al-Areqi: Like-
[00:12:07] Speaker: Yeah,
[00:12:07] Kameran Al-Areqi: yeah, yeah ... it's just building resentment inside you. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Instead of being like, "Oh, I'm so sorry. Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on mine.
[00:12:18] I still love you." "But also, no." You know what I mean? Th- that's, I'm not your mother, babe. I'm not your mother.
[00:12:25] Speaker: Yep. Yeah.
[00:12:26] Kameran Al-Areqi: If you want me to be your lover, I cannot be your mother.
[00:12:28] Speaker: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:12:28] Kameran Al-Areqi: That's how that works. Yeah. So that, that was huge for me. Yeah. But here's where it comes from.
[00:12:35] It comes from these ideologies, and this is what I tell my clients. In, session one, I make them start defining words.
[00:12:44] Speaker: Okay.
[00:12:44] Kameran Al-Areqi: What does being a wife look like to you? What does that look like?
[00:12:49] Speaker: Yeah.
[00:12:49] Kameran Al-Areqi: Because a lot of us have seen our mothers do the exact same thing.
[00:12:54] Speaker: Yeah.
[00:12:54] Kameran Al-Areqi: And so we are mimicking the identities of our mothers-
[00:12:58] Speaker: Yeah
[00:12:58] Kameran Al-Areqi: and we didn't [00:13:00] realize how burned out, stressed out, just completely, this is why she didn't put up with any BS when we were growing up. Yeah. And this is why we have the childhood trauma that we do. Because she was the people pleaser.
[00:13:15] Speaker: Yeah.
[00:13:15] Kameran Al-Areqi: So we're that's part of that ignorance that I was talking about.
[00:13:18] We're replicating that in real time, and our children are going to replicate it too because they're going to do what they see us do.
[00:13:27] Speaker: Oh.
[00:13:28] Kameran Al-Areqi: So in order to make the change in the family tree, we have to go first. Yeah. And so in order to do that, you have to look at that and say, "Where am I saying yes when I should actually be saying no?"
[00:13:38] The other thing is, and this was really hard lesson for me to learn-
[00:13:41] Speaker: Yeah ...
[00:13:43] Kameran Al-Areqi: is that mothering. But also- Men learn with vasopressin. Vasopressin is created through stress. That's the only way they learn. They don't learn by you nagging them. They don't learn [00:14:00] by you saying, " We've already had this conversation," like you're the kindergarten teacher.
[00:14:03] Okay? Tried all that, okay? Please. Oh, I learned. Please, please do as I say, don't do as I did, okay? Oh, yeah. It you will not be happy in your marriage. So th- and this is what makes me so qualified as a coach is like, "No, no, no baby. Let, let me hold your hand when I tell you this. That doesn't work.
[00:14:18] Already did that. Did that a lot, actually." Been there,
[00:14:21] Speaker: done
[00:14:22] Kameran Al-Areqi: that. And, uh, that only, that only got me a divorce, so. Please, please don't keep doing that. Yeah. And, and these are really hard lessons that like you were saying, like, we had to grow apart And get the divorce in order for God to show us, "
[00:14:35] Speaker: Listen,
[00:14:36] Kameran Al-Areqi: you're doing this, you're doing this, and in order to come back together, you're both gonna have to change a lot.
[00:14:43] A lot, a lot." Yeah.
[00:14:45] Speaker: Mm.
[00:14:45] Kameran Al-Areqi: And that's, that's what we had to learn. But that mothering, that people-pleasing all the time, you're doing it because either, A, you think, "Oh, he's gonna love me more."
[00:14:56] No, he's not going to love you. He's going to love you when he experiences [00:15:00] stress. He's going to love you when he sees that you have self-respect.
[00:15:06] Speaker: Yeah.
[00:15:06] Kameran Al-Areqi: That you have self-trust, that you have self-confidence because ding, ding, that's what you had- Yeah ... when you started dating.
[00:15:15] Speaker: Yes. Wow.
[00:15:18] Kameran Al-Areqi: You became his mother in the relationship, and that's not what he's looking for. He's looking for that lady in the street and a freak in the sheets kind of situation-
[00:15:30] that you can't be when you're like, "Oh, but we've already had that conversation, remember?" Or, "You forgot. You didn't schedule a doctor's appointment." Like, all these things, he's not gonna learn like that. He's gonna learn through, "Oh, you want me to do all of your laundry and cook the meals in 15 minutes? Mm, sorry.
[00:15:50] I'm going to get my nails done. Buh-bye." Yeah.
[00:15:52] Speaker: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
[00:15:53] Kameran Al-Areqi: And- I still respect you, but also buh-bye. Bye.
[00:15:57] Speaker: Yes. This is one of the tips that I always tell [00:16:00] people. And it ties into your emotional vulnerability. It could be the neurodivergent in me, but I just call it the way it is. Yeah.
[00:16:06] And it's like, okay.
[00:16:07] Kameran Al-Areqi: Same.
[00:16:08] Speaker: Yeah, no filter. I feel like once you're, you're in midlife, you're just like, "Mm, I have one life to live. I'm done being in my 20s trying to make everybody happy," and I'm just like- Yeah
[00:16:17] it's time for me. It's me time now. And so- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. One of the things I tell my patients, and I, even myself I say it, is, "Okay I'm willing to do this, but then you're gonna get me... I'm gonna get in a bad mood. I'm gonna resent you. I'm gonna hate you- Mm ... because you're more than capable- Mm-hmm
[00:16:34] to do it, but you're handing it off- Mm-hmm ... to me and taking it away- Mm-hmm ... where I could be doing, A, my nails, doing this, doing that, because that is not my problem. Mm-hmm. That's a you problem, and you're giving it to me. Yeah. And you want me to- Yeah ... eat it and be happy about it and going, "Oh my gosh, I love you.
[00:16:51] Thank you for giving me more stuff." Yeah. No. Yeah. I'm gonna resent you, and then I'm gonna be in a bad mood, and then you're gonna wanna blame me, not seeing that it's you. [00:17:00] So- Yeah ... I'm calling you out right now. You want me to do it, ugh, I'm gonna be in a very bad mood, and it's just because you want this done.
[00:17:07] And they're like, "No, that's okay." Yeah. And I'm like, "That's what I thought. I'm going to go get my nails done."
[00:17:14] Kameran Al-Areqi: See, and this is the thing too, is that even that is our choice. , we have the choice of what mood we're gonna be in because they're asking something of us. Yeah. So what I tell my clients is, you can look at your spouse and say, "Okay, the dishes need done and you need done."
[00:17:34] Speaker: Yeah. "
[00:17:34] Kameran Al-Areqi: But I only have the energy for one of those." They're gonna choose for them to be done-
[00:17:41] Speaker: Yeah ...
[00:17:42] Kameran Al-Areqi: all the time.
[00:17:42] Speaker: Yeah.
[00:17:43] Kameran Al-Areqi: So those dishes are gonna get done so quick-
[00:17:45] Speaker: Yeah ...
[00:17:45] Kameran Al-Areqi: and they're gonna get... And here, but here's- Yeah ... here's the caveat to that, right? You can't be over them being like, "You're loading the dishwasher like a Neanderthal.
[00:17:53] Move. Let me do it." No, no. If they're choosing to do the dishes, let [00:18:00] them. Yeah. Let them do the dishes.
[00:18:02] Speaker: Oh,
[00:18:02] Kameran Al-Areqi: yes. Let them do their laundry.
[00:18:04] Speaker: Oh my God, yes. Like,
[00:18:05] Kameran Al-Areqi: let them.
[00:18:06] Speaker: Yes.
[00:18:07] Kameran Al-Areqi: Stop trying to take the wheel back and because that's you controlling.
[00:18:11] Speaker: Yeah.
[00:18:11] Kameran Al-Areqi: And every time you say, "I need blah, blah, blah," you're controlling, whether you realize it or not.
[00:18:19] I just gave this example to a a couple that I'm working with today. They're brand new, and they came to me and they're like I need, and I need, and I need, and I need." And I said, "Okay. I want you guys to pretend that both of you are CIA operatives and you're going to a different country for two years.
[00:18:37] And in that two years, one of you is gonna stay home and the other one is gonna go on this mission, but you can't talk on the phone. You can't, you won't see each other. You, like, nothing. But you know that in two years you'll come home and you're still married and everything. What do you need from your partner in that time?"
[00:18:57] Basically, I need you to be [00:19:00] faithful. I need you to, to be, you know, sexually, emotionally, all of it faithful. And I need to know for sure that you're gonna be here when I get back. That's it. Why in God's green earth do we then have all of these needs over here when our partner is home? You don't actually need all of those things.
[00:19:22] You prefer them. You want them.
[00:19:25] Speaker: You want them.
[00:19:26] Kameran Al-Areqi: But it's not a need.
[00:19:27] Speaker: Not a need.
[00:19:28] Kameran Al-Areqi: And if it's a need that you can fulfill if they're gone on a two-year mission, it's not actually a need.
[00:19:36] Speaker: Oh.
[00:19:36] Kameran Al-Areqi: So don't treat it like a need.
[00:19:38] You know what I mean? You can do it. Now, if you're asking for help, ask for
[00:19:42] Speaker: help.
[00:19:43] Yeah.
[00:19:43] Kameran Al-Areqi: If you want help, ask for help. If you want more time to yourself, ask for it, and if it doesn't get done, it doesn't get done. If you ask your husband, "Hey, can you take out the trash? It's really gross," or it's overflowing or whatever the reason is, [00:20:00] and he doesn't get it done, let it overflow.
[00:20:03] Speaker: Yeah.
[00:20:03] Kameran Al-Areqi: Stop stepping in and doing everything all the time to pick up the slack.
[00:20:09] That's only creating resentment in you.
[00:20:11] Speaker: Yeah.
[00:20:11] Kameran Al-Areqi: Let it overflow, and when he comes in and says, "Oh, my God. Why is the trash overflowing?" "Oh, babe, I asked you to, I asked you to take it out and it didn't get done, so..."
[00:20:20] Speaker: Yeah.
[00:20:22] Kameran Al-Areqi: It's really simple. It's not easy- It's not easy ... but it's simple.
[00:20:25] Speaker: Yeah. I'm just... I'm already getting like, oh, my gosh, the trash is full. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, yeah. But yeah. Yeah. I, I had that same thing situation with my husband. I was just doing so much. Mm-hmm. I ended up with an autoimmune, and he's like, "Let me do the dishes," and he likes doing dishes a certain way.
[00:20:41] I like doing dishes another certain way. And at first I was like, oh, my God, oh, my God, and at the end of the day I was just like, you know what? I was able to take a nap. Yeah. I was able to rest. I was able to go work out. I was like, I like that better than how the dishes were done. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And I'm just...
[00:20:58] And I love washing dishes, but [00:21:00] it's an extra chore that I don't need. Okay? Yeah, yeah. And so I was just like- God be with you.
[00:21:06] Kameran Al-Areqi: God be with you,
[00:21:07] Speaker: yes. You know?
[00:21:08] Kameran Al-Areqi: Exactly.
[00:21:09] Speaker: Yes. And I I like to have my dishes cleaned every single day. If I cook, I wash everything right after. No, not him.
[00:21:16] Yeah He just likes to have them there, and I'm just like, "Ay, dios mio." And, but- Yeah ... I've learned, I'm like, "No, it's not a me problem. I'm okay." that's okay because that'll give me time- Yeah ... to rest. That'll give me time to play card games with my daughter. So I offset- Yeah ... that level of like, which is preferable, me wasting time washing dishes, which he's gonna do either way- Yeah
[00:21:36] or playing cards with my daughter.
[00:21:39] Kameran Al-Areqi: Yeah.
[00:21:39] Speaker: Yeah. So that's- Yeah ... that's how I do that. And but this is the little caveat, though, 'cause we mentioned about how the caregivers and people-pleasing also. Yeah. One of the symptoms is feeling responsible for their emotions. So when they- Yeah ... have that stress response, the partners- Mm-hmm.
[00:21:57] Mm-hmm ... and they're like, "Oh my gosh, they're getting [00:22:00] overwhelmed. Oh my gosh, they're getting- Mm-hmm ... stressed out," that need, 'cause you would think it, it's not a want. It's like a need to want to fix it, be responsible- Yeah ... to make sure they're happy. Yeah. What do you say to those couples?
[00:22:13] Kameran Al-Areqi: That's codependency.
[00:22:16] That's, I mean, like straight up, that's what it is. Because if you can't be okay because your partner's not okay, you're codependent as hell. That's what it is. And, and again, I was the same way. "Oh my God, why are you mad at me? Don't be mad at me. It's gonna make me throw up. Like, I have this horrible knot in my stomach.
[00:22:30] What are you doing?" I would hope- Yeah ... that you married a grown person.
[00:22:35] Speaker: Yes. A
[00:22:37] Kameran Al-Areqi: grown person whose prefrontal cortex is completely developed, which means they are capable of doing it themselves. And- Yeah ... when you step in, and you're like, "Oh, baby, it's okay. It's okay," you're acting like their mother. Oh.
[00:22:55] Because children from birth to 10 need [00:23:00] the parents to help them regulate.
[00:23:02] Speaker: Yes.
[00:23:02] Kameran Al-Areqi: Grown adults do not need to help them regulate.
[00:23:04] That's their responsibility. Now, if you were a jack wagon and created a negative experience for them that then led to them not being okay, mm, maybe we need to do some repair there.
[00:23:15] Yeah. Maybe we need to come back and apologize for being a jack wagon, and specifics. But in terms of, like, them actually regulating their own emotions, that's on them, babe. Yeah. That is on them.
[00:23:27] Speaker: Yes. Just like
[00:23:28] Kameran Al-Areqi: it's on you to regulate your own. Because again, what controls your emotions controls you. So when you are letting their emotional irregulation or dysregulation, whatever, get the best of them, it's also getting the best of you.
[00:23:46] Speaker: Yeah.
[00:23:46] Kameran Al-Areqi: And now their emotional outburst- Yeah ... is controlling you.
[00:23:51] Speaker: Yeah.
[00:23:51] Kameran Al-Areqi: Stop letting
[00:23:51] Speaker: it. Yes. Yes. And, when you're brought up in a dysfunctional home, let's say you do have a partner who does have a prefrontal cortex, 'cause [00:24:00] this happened to me early in the marriage.
[00:24:02] I remember going, "Are you okay? You look very upset. What's happening?" And he looks at me and he's like, "Allow me to be upset. That's me being upset, and it's not your job- Yeah ... , to make me happy. If you are upset that I'm upset, you need to work on that. That's a you thing." And I was just like-
[00:24:19] "Oh, I didn't even realize I was doing this" Mm-hmm And that was, like, the former people pleaser in me. Yeah. And so having a partner or someone that will remind you to say, "Hey, this is my feelings. Back off."
[00:24:32] Kameran Al-Areqi: Yes. Yeah. "
[00:24:33] Speaker: You need to work on your feelings. Don't use me to make you feel better." Yeah. And I so remember that day.
[00:24:41] I honored that. And from now on I'm like, "Well, he's going through his thing, and I'm just gonna- Yeah ... go do my own thing." And that's okay. Yeah. Just giving yourself permission. You talk about the emotions, the codependency. I wanna talk about emotional safety. Yeah. What does emotional [00:25:00] safety actually look like in a healthy marriage?
[00:25:03] Kameran Al-Areqi: Yeah. Do we have time to go through the whole baseball system?
[00:25:08] Speaker: Do it. Do it.
[00:25:09] Dolores: And this conversation isn’t over. In Part 2, Kam breaks down her Marriage Baseball System and what emotional safety, connection, and intimacy really look like in a relationship. Watch for Part 2 of Empowering Women in Conversations with Kameran ‘Kam’ Al-Areqi.
[00:25:26]
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