Why Am I So Tired? The Hidden Burnout of People-Pleasing | Part 1
[00:00:00]
[00:00:00] Elizabeth: “What if you’re not just tired… what if you’re burned out from always pushing through?”
[00:00:05] “How do you know when exhaustion has become something deeper—and your emotions are trying to get your attention?”
[00:00:10] Lorea Martinez: in the middle of this walk, I started crying. Oh. And I couldn't stop. Wow. I felt so much anxiety and just hopelessness.
[00:00:23] Michael: “Sometimes burnout doesn’t look like falling apart. It looks like continuing to function while quietly losing your joy.”
[00:00:29] Lorea Martinez: we cannot be our best selves. So we need to include ourselves in the circle of care.
[00:00:35] Elizabeth: “Listen now to Part 1: Why Am I So Tired? The Hidden Burnout of People-Pleasing, featuring Dr. Lorea Martínez Pérez on Empowering Women in Conversations with Anita Sandoval,
[00:00:47]
[00:01:37] Anita Sandoval LPC: You can be successful, dependable, and appear to have everything together, and still feel emotionally exhausted underneath it all. Today, we're talking about burnout and how that isn't laziness, why traditional self-care may not be enough, and how we can rebuild our emotional capacity without walking away from our identity and entire [00:02:00] lives.
[00:02:00] Today, I'm joined by Dr. Lorea Martinez-Perez, an award-winning author, speaker, educator, and creator of the Heart and Mind Model. Dr. Lorea Martinez-Perez. Welcome to the show.
[00:02:13] Lorea Martinez: Thank you for having me, Anita.
[00:02:15] It's a pleasure.
[00:02:16] Anita Sandoval LPC: I love your work. You have practical research-based frameworks that helps individuals, leaders, and organizations to develop emotional intelligence skills. I only know Dr. Daniel Goleman, so when I saw you, I was like, "I need to have her here on the show," because she also has a new book, Living with the Heart and Mind Model, which is a practical guide, healing from burnout, and cultivating purpose.
[00:02:42] This is where she uses, okay, I don't wanna geek out on you all, neuroscience, mindfulness, and emotional intelligence to help you get out of experiencing burnout. And in this book, she has 30 practical tools to help [00:03:00] overwhelmed professionals and individuals, especially my women people-pleasers out there, to get out of the survival mode and really start living.
[00:03:10] Let's start with your story. I know you spent years teaching about emotional intelligence and human development. When did you first realize that you were experiencing burnout yourself?
[00:03:23] Lorea Martinez: So I had what I call an adult meltdown, and this was a situation where I was, , just going on a walk with a colleague, and he was helping me think through my consulting business and how to get a new line of work. And just the thought of adding anything new to my plate-
[00:03:45] Anita Sandoval LPC: Yeah ...
[00:03:46] Lorea Martinez: it felt so overwhelming.
[00:03:49] Yeah. And in the middle of this walk, I started crying. Oh. And I couldn't stop. Wow. I felt so much anxiety and [00:04:00] just hopelessness. I felt like I had been working really hard for many years, and just that thought of putting anything new and even considering this was a low-stakes conversation. I was not signing a contract.
[00:04:16] I was just having a conversation. And that was kind of like a, a moment for me to realize that there was something off. It wasn't a normal behavior for me to just start crying, you know- Yes ... in the middle of a conversation. So that moment was really telling, and it forced me. That was my wake-up call, and it really forced me to pause and say, "Oh, what's happening here?
[00:04:44] What's underneath that moment of pure overwhelm?" And that, that's when I started my process, and I was able to name that I was burnout , and I was able to start doing things about it.
[00:04:56] Anita Sandoval LPC: Oh, thank you for sharing. I love what you just said [00:05:00] because one of the things that women tend to do is "Okay, we gotta keep on going.
[00:05:03] We gotta keep on going. We have to function." And you mentioned one of the symptoms, which is crying when there was no reason to cry. And I always tell my patients, "Well, it's never really about the cheese, something's small, and you're crying." Can you tell me more about the warning signs that may come up as symptoms that show that you may be experiencing burnout?
[00:05:26] Lorea Martinez: Yes, that's a really good question, and thank you for bringing that out because there are several signals that we ignore when we are approaching kind of that peak moment of burnout.
[00:05:37] Anita Sandoval LPC: Okay.
[00:05:37] Lorea Martinez: And one is losing your joy. So I was doing work that I loved. It was my life's passion. I was working with teachers.
[00:05:46] I was doing training. I was really living my purpose. But I was not experiencing the same motivation in the morning, the same joy that I had over [00:06:00] the last several years. And as you were saying, what I experience is, "Oh, I'm not feeling as motivated, so what I'm gonna do is to keep pushing forward because that's what I knew."
[00:06:13] That was in the background, so that had been happening for months, and I was ignoring it because I was like, "Oh, I just need to get myself, excited to do it." Yeah. And that, that actually doesn't work. You really have to listen to, oh, I- you are losing that joy. What's underneath that? Yeah.
[00:06:30] Something else that happens is the fact that I was not feeling rested in the morning. Okay. So I would have a perfectly nice good night's sleep, and I would get up in the morning and feel drained. Yeah. I didn't have that energy to, face the day, and again, I had to force myself to go through my routines and go through life the way that we do.
[00:06:54] Work, family, the house, all of the things. And that was also telling. [00:07:00] And again, that's something that I was ignoring for a long time because I needed to be productive and functional and, you know, be, , a functioning adult, and it wasn't... Yeah, it wasn't working.
[00:07:13] Anita Sandoval LPC: Oh, man. And then something I also notice is that there's this saying, the pot calling the kettle black.
[00:07:21] I notice that a lot of high achieving women who are maybe going through burnout see it and recognize it more in other women or individuals than themselves. They struggle to figure it out and recognize, "Hey, what is it? Could that be me?" Why do they struggle with recognizing themselves but see it more frequently in others?
[00:07:46] Lorea Martinez: We tend to look at others and think, "Oh, they are deserving of care and kindness." Okay. And we would tell them, "Hey, take a break," or, "Why don't you slow [00:08:00] down for a bit? Reconsider," right? Just - take that pause to see, is your life aligned with your values and- Yeah ... with your sense of purpose?
[00:08:10] Yeah,
[00:08:10] Anita Sandoval LPC: yeah.
[00:08:10] Lorea Martinez: But when it comes to applying that same care and kindness, it is very difficult, it's a practice. Like, the practice- Okay ... of self-compassion is something that might, may not come naturally to you- Okay ... but it's something that we can develop once you have that awareness that, oh, there can be another way of treating myself when I'm in pain or when I'm suffering.
[00:08:35] I can offer myself that same care and kindness that I would offer a dear friend- Mm-hmm ... a spouse, a child, right?
[00:08:42] Anita Sandoval LPC: Yeah, yeah.
[00:08:43] Lorea Martinez: And that can be really, I think, liberating- Yeah ... when we are not, putting ourselves under the additional pressure that we have to continue to perform even when we are in a moment of struggle.
[00:08:57] So looking at that moment of struggle and [00:09:00] recognizing, "Oh, what do I need in this moment?"
[00:09:04] Anita Sandoval LPC: Mm-hmm.
[00:09:04] Lorea Martinez: If you really ask that question with sincerity, the answer will not be, "Oh, I need to keep pushing forward." You will be, if you are honest with yourself about what you really need, that can create that pause to help you see, oh, is there a different way that I can move forward with my life without adding to the pressure cooker, right?
[00:09:27] So you don't- Yeah ... get to that point of, of full depletion really because what happens also is that people around you will notice-
[00:09:35] Anita Sandoval LPC: Mm-hmm
[00:09:36] Lorea Martinez: You are not the best mom if you are burnout. You are not the best spouse if you are burnout. You cannot be a good daughter, friend. All of the roles that we have in our lives when we are in that, state of exhaustion- Yeah
[00:09:50] we are, we cannot be our best selves. So we need to include ourselves in the circle of care. Mm,
[00:09:57] Anita Sandoval LPC: let's talk about that. You mentioned [00:10:00] something that I was like, "I have to write this down." I don't wanna forget. You mentioned in the moment of struggle, what can we do? And I know even sometimes, because , I'm neurodivergent, burnout with neurodivergents go hand in hand, so I have to be very intentional to not burnout, but it happens.
[00:10:17] And so when I burnout, I'm like, "Ugh, self-care. I have to do more stuff to add on." I notice that sometimes self-care and self-compassion get to be confusing to people. So in the moment of struggle, can you please help me or the audience understand the distinction self-care versus self-compassion whenever we're in the peak of burnout?
[00:10:46] Lorea Martinez: Yes. So self-compassion is looking at your own struggle with that lens of kindness to say, "Wow, this is really hard right now."
[00:10:57] Anita Sandoval LPC: Okay.
[00:10:58] Lorea Martinez: And even [00:11:00] naming that, it creates a moment of release because you are recognizing that pain and that suffering in the moment. You are not pushing it away. You are not saying, "Oh, this is not happening," or, "I'm gonna distract myself with something else."
[00:11:17] Mm. Sometimes self-care, depending on what you do as self-care, can be distracting of your actual experience of, , struggle.
[00:11:27] Anita Sandoval LPC: Okay.
[00:11:28] Lorea Martinez: Because you are not naming the experience. You are not seeing it for what it is. Wow. The other aspect of self-compassion is that it recognizes that there's a shared humanity in our experience of suffering- Yeah
[00:11:43] and that we are not the only ones. So when you recognize that, there are others who are suffering as well, but it doesn't invalidate your experience. It just puts the experience in a context of, "Hey, this is [00:12:00] normal. You are not weird. You are not weak. You are not failing." All you are doing is recognizing that, "Wow, this moment that I'm going through life," or whatever circumstance you are going through, is very hard.
[00:12:15] Anita Sandoval LPC: Yeah.
[00:12:15] Lorea Martinez: Just saying that is very empowering.
[00:12:19] Anita Sandoval LPC: Oh, I love how you said that distinction is just to be seen, to be heard, to validate the experience and know you're not alone. That is compassion, and that was beautiful. Thank you for making that awareness from your point of view and your experience eventually became part of something even bigger that now helps other people understand their emotions and rebuild their emotional capacity.
[00:12:45] Let's have, let's talk about the framework you created.
[00:12:49] Lorea Martinez: Yeah. So Heart in Mind started, , through my work with teachers. I've been in education for more than 20 years. Yeah. And when I was [00:13:00] working with teachers, I really wanted to create a framework that would help them teach the skills of emotional intelligence to children.
[00:13:08] Mm-hmm. But because I'm a former special ed teacher, I wanted to do something that was very practical. Not theoretical, not something that lived on a shelf, but really something that teachers could use in their classroom. Well, it started that way, but the skills that we are trying to teach kids, well, guess what?
[00:13:28] Adults need to know them and practice them as well. So the skills are universal in the sense that they are- necessary and they are essential for any functioning adult-
[00:13:41] Anita Sandoval LPC: Yeah ...
[00:13:41] Lorea Martinez: to be able to recognize their emotions, to make choices in their lives from a place of intention-
[00:13:50] Anita Sandoval LPC: Yeah ...
[00:13:50] Lorea Martinez: to be able to recognize emotions in others, to have a good network of support that can help you and [00:14:00] just keep you afloat.
[00:14:01] And then there's the idea of purpose, of how you are finding direction in your life. So that model, those skills are the acronym HEART.
[00:14:12] Anita Sandoval LPC: Mm-hmm.
[00:14:12] Lorea Martinez: They are very, essential for anybody who wants to either reflect on something that is happening in their lives, but also it can be a roadmap for how you move forward in your life.
[00:14:25] Anita Sandoval LPC: Tell me what HEART represents. What's the acronym mean?
[00:14:28] Lorea Martinez: So the H is honor your emotions.
[00:14:31] Anita Sandoval LPC: Mm.
[00:14:33] Lorea Martinez: So recognizing, naming your emotions, what you have, what is your emotional weather?
[00:14:40] Anita Sandoval LPC: Mm-hmm.
[00:14:40] Lorea Martinez: And can you name it and can you interpret it? There's a very important part around emotional intelligence, which is- Yeah
[00:14:48] seeing emotions as information. Yeah. It's a conversation from you to you, and can you see those signals and interpret, "Oh, why am I feeling so [00:15:00] frustrated about this situation right now?" maybe there's something underneath that frustration that you need to unpack a little bit. So honoring your emotions is the skill that helps you do that.
[00:15:11] Then we move to the E, that's elect your responses, and we all know that it's important to create that space between stimulus and response. So it's a very helpful skill, I think, in today's world- Yeah ... where we are moving so fast and things are changing so fast. It really helps to, help us move away from autopilot.
[00:15:34] Anita Sandoval LPC: Yeah.
[00:15:34] Lorea Martinez: Sometimes we move through the day with so many automatic responses and triggers, and that skill allows us to make a choice that is intentional, that is conscious, that we can be, we can say, "Oh, we're proud of how we handled that situation." Then the A is apply empathy. Yeah. So recognizing emotions in others, and that's [00:16:00] also a, a practice.
[00:16:01] It's a skill. And we all have the, ability to show empathy- Yeah ... and to feel the connection with others through empathy. And in my model, empathy includes what we just talked about, of this idea of empathy for self and self-compassion. Yeah. And that's a very important piece that I think it's missing , from other models.
[00:16:24] Then the R is reignite your relationships. So being able to look at your, network of relationships in your life- And really, make a conscious effort to build community wherever you go. Mm. So when I was writing, , the book, the, my first book that was for educators, I had this question that was, "How am I building a sense of community?"
[00:16:49] So I wanted to test that question, and I went out into the world with that question in mind. And I can tell you my, conversation with the, , cashier at the [00:17:00] grocery store changed, how I was communicating with others changed, because I had this idea of, "Oh, how can I go through the world trying to build community versus just kind of getting my things done?"
[00:17:12] And that I feel like in a world where we are becoming more and more digital, that's a very important piece of how we are staying in community as we are, growing and learning. And then the final, the T, stands for transform with purpose. And purpose is that sense of direction in your life.
[00:17:33] Truly is the most important skill in the model because- Yeah ... it puts everything in alignment. So when you are aligned in your life, you know you're standing strong on your values, and you are making choices that are aligned to those values, and you know how you are contributing to society. That's a beautiful moment.
[00:17:55] But don't get too caught up on the fact that you know what your purpose is, because [00:18:00] it will change over time. So you will need to revisit that, , probably many times during your lifetime.
[00:18:06] Anita Sandoval LPC: Oh, yes. Enjoy the journey, not the destination, because we learn, grow, and change all the time. I noticed also with your HEART model and the acronyms, it has the beginnings of self-compassion before even going into self-care.
[00:18:22] And that's just how important it is for someone when we're going through that brink of burnout, how to first have compassion for self before even doing anything else. One part of the model that did stand out to me is the idea of honoring our emotions. I know you mentioned that being intentional in validating and honoring our emotions.
[00:18:42] For people pleasers, emotions are often suppressed because they're afraid of upsetting or disappointing someone else. What does honoring our emotions look like in everyday life, especially for women who have learned to ignore or [00:19:00] minimize how they feel?
[00:19:01] Lorea Martinez: It can be a, game-changer.
[00:19:04] Anita Sandoval LPC: Okay.
[00:19:04] Lorea Martinez: Honoring your emotions, if you really think about the word to honor, that means you are treating your emotions with respect.
[00:19:13] Anita Sandoval LPC: Okay.
[00:19:13] Lorea Martinez: You are acknowledging that they are a reality for you, and that doesn't mean that we always live in the world of pleasant emotions. And I don't like to talk about good emotions or bad emotions, positive or negative, because that puts us in a, dichotomy.
[00:19:34] Anita Sandoval LPC: Okay.
[00:19:34] Lorea Martinez: It's one or the other.
[00:19:36] Anita Sandoval LPC: Yeah.
[00:19:37] Lorea Martinez: And the truth is that emotions all have, a purpose. There is , a reason why we have those emotions, and mostly, you know, they try to protect us in some way or another. And our job is to be, emotion detectives and to figure it out, oh, that's what I'm experiencing, and that emotion is trying to tell me something.
[00:19:59] [00:20:00] So for someone who has that tendency to suppress emotions, I think that the connection to the body is very important, because emotions show up first in your body. That, physical experience will be your first place to notice what's happening.
[00:20:19] Anita Sandoval LPC: Okay.
[00:20:19] Lorea Martinez: And the more you practice that connection and you notice, oh, I'm about to get into a conflict, but I don't wanna upset that person.
[00:20:26] Maybe your stomach is getting really tight or your throat is tightening. Maybe your body temperature is changing. There are many physical, reactions that we have when we experience emotion, so just paying attention to that, body experience can be your first place if you are having a hard time really thinking about your emotions more from a cognitive standpoint.
[00:20:49] Anita Sandoval LPC: Oh, yes. That's something I try to always tell even my patients. It's like, okay, we can't think our way out of it. We need to feel it somatically, physically. What do we feel in our [00:21:00] body? And really, the first two weeks I tell them we're gonna do a, a emotional bucket list. And when I say emotions, they're neurochemicals that go into your system, and then it goes into your organs.
[00:21:11] So let's see what the neurochemicals are telling you somatically. And what happens to, let's say, the women people-pleasers who continually overwrite the anger, resentment, or exhaustion? What would happen?
[00:21:26] Lorea Martinez: When all of those emotions are suppressed over time-
[00:21:29] Anita Sandoval LPC: Yeah ...
[00:21:30] Lorea Martinez: They take over. And that's a misconception.
[00:21:32] We think that if we suppress emotions, , they will go away. Oh. And it's actually the opposite. So when you suppress them, they are still in your system- Okay ... because you are not releasing them. You are not letting them go. So they will show up, and many times in not so positive ways.
[00:21:50] Maybe your behavior is more erratic. Maybe you are snapping. You are, not being at your best. Your behavior can really show that, [00:22:00] you haven't processed those emotions, constructively.
[00:22:03] Anita Sandoval LPC: Yeah.
[00:22:03] Lorea Martinez: And it will impact people around you, because when you are denying your own emotional experience, , you are denying the reality of what's happening to you.
[00:22:14] So starting by validating this is how I'm experiencing this- And even starting to communicate with others how you are experiencing life can be very important to start to create new patterns of behavior in your life.
[00:22:31] Anita Sandoval LPC: Mm. This is what I have in mind sometimes when they tell me, "Oh, they think I go crazy.
[00:22:37] They think I'm some crazy lady," or, "Ando amargada," like I'm just all bitter. And I'm like, mm, I think those are the signs that you're repressing something. Let's see. How long have we felt this? And I tell them, okay, well, the more you ignore, think of it as a toddler. It's like you can't ignore them because the more you ignore them, the more they're gonna be like, "Listen to me right here," and throw more and more and bigger and bigger and bigger [00:23:00] feelings until you finally have to listen to them.
[00:23:02] And so that's the, the best analogy is like that toddler that just screams more and kicks all over the floor, and everybody's going, "Mira ese nino. Look at that kid."
[00:23:13] Lorea Martinez: Yes. I think about them also as going up an escalator.
[00:23:17] Anita Sandoval LPC: Okay.
[00:23:18] Lorea Martinez: So if you are, starting to feel frustrated or let's say annoyed, that would be the lower level.
[00:23:25] You're starting to feel annoyed. You get on the escalator, mm-hmm. And if you don't do anything to process that annoyance, you continue going up, so the next thing that happens, that becomes frustration, so you're continuing to go up. Suddenly other things happen in your day and you are angry, , very angry and upset, and then you become furious because there was nothing that you did to process all of those events that happened,
[00:23:51] yeah. So you gotta get off the escalator, yeah. So there are all these platforms , I'm getting off the escalator now, you're taking a break. You are [00:24:00] naming it. Maybe you do take three deep breaths. There are so many tools that you have- In order to process that emotion before it becomes bigger.
[00:24:10] And one of the, the tools that I have in the, in living with the heart and mind is just a visual for how emotions are grouped in families and how they are, you can see them based on their intensity. So you can see, okay, when I'm feeling, annoyed, that's like the low level.
[00:24:31] Anita Sandoval LPC: Okay.
[00:24:31] Lorea Martinez: And then it can increase up to, , becoming furious.
[00:24:34] So having almost like that mental model of, oh, yes, emotions increase in intensity, and where can I find those platforms that I can get out of the escalator? And we all have tools, but again, because our life experiences, they change us, sometimes we need to develop new tools or adopt new tools in our lives because what you did, you know, five years [00:25:00] ago when your kids were toddlers maybe doesn't work later when your kids are teenagers or, if you have a new job or your, just your life circumstances change, your tools for self-management need to change with it as well.
[00:25:14] Anita Sandoval LPC: Oh, yes. I tell people just because you like Dora the Explorer when you're five doesn't mean you'll like her when you're 50. And the tools, tools are the same way. That brings us to another practical tool that you mention. You teach about creating space between what you feel , and how we respond.
[00:25:32] Elizabeth: Next time on Empowering Women in Conversations: setting boundaries without guilt, breaking the people-pleasing cycle, and reconnecting with your purpose.
