Host: Anita Sandoval:
In the previous episode, we discussed the clinginess and neediness in relationships, how the clingy and needy behaviors affect and break and cause distress in relationships. In today's episode, we will be discussing how to stop sacrificing your boundaries to avoid that pain of abandonment. And fear of rejection. We will also discuss the biggest obstacle that gets in the way of healthy relationships, a common unhelpful thinking that causes the increase of abandonment issues in a relationship, and the common behaviors that people with abandonment issues put up. In order to maintain a relationship, even if it is toxic and not helpful for you, you will get answers on questions such as can abandonment issues where you sacrifice your boundaries be resolved and what abandonment does to a person. I will discuss the ability to self-regulate your nervous system better and be emotionally and mentally stable with other people to be within healthier relationships while making your own needs matter. At the same time, I will also help you get to the point of wanting to protect your boundaries and be more attentive to what may be your triggers for those abandonment fears. Some strategies that I will discuss are awareness on helping you see the process and the long-term reward. If you maintain the consistency of implementing those boundaries that are aligned with your values, I will also help you be in touch with that pain from rejection and abandon. Within your behavior that is causing the unhealthy relationship issues and help you explore ways that you are sacrificing your boundaries, I will then give some strategies to help you stay true to your boundaries and on how those boundaries can be approached in different ways where you feel comfortable in implementing them instead. Of avoiding them. I will also give you a quick tip in the beginning of this episode. When you sacrifice your boundaries in order to avoid abandonment, they may cause you more distress in relationships. I will discuss the different steps on how to stop sacrificing your boundary, which will then result in building a stronger sense of. And therefore have healthier relationships surrounded within your values and your goals. The biggest question to be answered is, can setting boundaries make a difference in relationships? Well stick around because this episode is for. Tired of feeling misunderstood, frustrated, and emotionally disconnected when communicating with other people. This is conversations that work with Anita Sandoval, where you can learn how to maintain healthy conversations with the people who matter most. A podcast where you can gain confidence and get tips for having challenging day-to-day conversations that make you feel understood, validated, and heard here is your host, a licensed professional counselor, specializing in communication skills, strategies and techniques. Anita Sandoval, let's start the conversation. Welcome back to Conversations That Work. I'm your host, Anita Sandoval, and this is episode 14, how Abandonment Issues affect Relationships. In this episode, we're going to discuss the different ways on how boundaries affect relationships. Also becoming aware on how having boundaries is actually healthy in a relationship. In the previous episode, we define needy as needing others to be there with you that you would not want them to abandon. That you will be anything they want you to be and do anything you allow your boundaries to be pushed over because of that neediness. To avoid those feelings of loneliness, rejection, and abandonment, the first step is to bring to mind some questions to help prompt you of who you are within the relationship such as who am. And what are my needs? These needs? I like to bring up the Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. I do like to focus on the first three and in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, he talks about that in order to be happy, these needs need to be met. The first step is the basic needs. Air, water, food, shelter, sleep, clothing. These needs need to be met in order for you to be. So once those basic needs are met, the second step is safety needs. Do you have the resources, stable income? Is your health in order? Do you have a personal sense of safety within yourself on where you are within your environment? If that need is met, then you have the third step. Love and belonging. This is where relationships. Do you have a sense of connection, intimacy, family, friendship. This talks about relationship. Do I feel like I am loved? Do I feel like I belong? And those are the questions that you need to answer. Are my basic needs being met, such as food, shelter, water, clothing? Do I feel that I am loved within myself? Do I feel that I am accepted or who I. Do I feel that I belong, and I mentioned this with Massel's hierarchy of needs because a lot of people like to assume that love and belonging is a want, but it is actually a need tied within the nervous system, tied within the brain development on the sense of love and belonging. So as humans, we need. To belong and beloved in order to thrive and survive. However, we want to make sure that those needs are met within a healthy manner. Let's jump into the quick tip on how to stop sacrificing your boundaries in order to avoid abandonment, which may be causing you more distress in relationships. Staff number. Look at your own needs and values. What is the need that you are needing? Is it basic needs? Is it safety? Is it love and belonging? What are your values? What is important for you? That, number two, awareness on your reaction to your fear of abandon. And focus on your boundaries. Being confronted to that fear of abandonment and going through that fear and focusing still on your boundary that are aligned with your values will help you decrease that fear by being able to confront it and tolerate that emotional pain step number. Evaluate what you gain from sacrificing your boundaries and people pleasing in the short term. What is my reward in the long term? What are the consequences? What are the effects of my people pleasing and sacrificing my boundaries? Is the cost of those behaviors worth it? Are you able to risk. Sacrificing your boundaries in order for that short term sense of love and belonging. Step number four, focus on the boundary that you sacrificed the broken boundary, how you felt emotionally. Maybe there was some anger towards yourself, some guilt, some resentment, your thoughts and body sens. And really evaluate if it is even worth that sacrifice and ask yourself, was it worse before or after the relationship? Step number five, rebuild boundaries to tolerate the feeling of rejection. Life is a paradox and in order to. Be able to overcome that feeling of rejection. You need to go through that feeling of rejection. Think of it as a dark tunnel. Press the gas and go through that dark tunnel because you will see the light. Step number six, use calming techniques to regulate your nervous system to help give you a sense of relief and peace to tolerate the negative situ. While you are transitioning into a healthier one within your own environment, which will help you get confident, self-esteem, worth resilience, and hope. Always calm the nervous system. That is number one. Stop if you feel distressed. If you feel very dysregulated, go back and calm your nervous. That is the best thing you can do for yourself. Everything else can wait. Focus on being full, calm, and collected. And step number seven, seek professional help. If you do have some past trauma, there are different reasons to seek professional help. A professional can help you challenge your negative, irrational belief. They can help you explore healthier habits in a safe space where you are understood and supported. They can also help you learn, grow, change into the person you have always meant to be. That you know deep down inside yourself who you are. When you do these steps, when you look, you become aware, when you evaluate. You focus, you start rebuilding. You calm that nervous system. You seek professional help. If you can't do it alone, you will then finally see the results of how it feels to be respected, validated in your room where you can build a strong sense of boundaries and have healthier relat. Associated with those boundaries and values. That is the quick tip. Sign up for up to date information and resources@conversationsatwork.org. Let's talk about some characteristics and symptoms here. Some symptoms for people that tend to sacrifice their boundary, some fear of abandon. That may be causing you to sacrifice your boundaries. Yes, that's one. The inner neediness can lead you to lowering your standards. You compromise those personal boundaries that you work so hard to create. The typical description on how people react, it's like a deer getting stuck in the headlights because they're afraid of the abandonment feeling. They're willing to put up with just about anything so they won't be abandoned. So what is the biggest obstacle in the way? Fear, that emotion of fear, and what are abandonment issues in a relationship look like? That is where you sacrifice those boundaries because the common negative belief is that they feel that they won't survive without the other person. The other person makes them feel. And if the other person leaves them, they will be stuck with their defective self, which they don't want to experience or feel. So all of this is avoiding a false sense of negative experience and negative feelings that your mind has programmed you and needs to be reprogrammed. Some behaviors that. People with abandonment issues portray is that they are focused on the other person in a way that it avoids focus on themselves and therefore they put up with things such as disrespectful treatment. They put up with somebody's addiction, they put up with somebody's cheating. They put up with somebody who kind of goes back and then abandons them. They leave. And then they come back to them as if nothing happened. So let's talk about what the definition of boundaries are in respect to relationships. This is where you stand up for your values, you protect, you preserve against them being violated or compromised. You set intentional behaviors. In the last episode, we discussed on three modes of negotiation. Request and invitation. So within boundaries, some people assume I may request my boundary to be respected. They don't listen to it. They now will demand of them to respect it. If they denied that request. What makes you think that they're going to accept the demand? That is not what a boundary is. A boundary is. When you request your boundary to be respected and they deny it and compromise it, you now have to set an intentional behavior to implement that line that they will not cross. Not by talking, because talking is not a behavior of setting boundaries. It's by doing behaviors that are intentional, aligned to your values. For example, if you tell them, I need to be told at least two weeks ahead of time when I need to go to an event, so I'm requesting that you just let me know ahead of time so that I can accommodate to your invitation request to attend. And if they tell you one day prior, two days prior, you didn't let them know, Hey, I did request to. Hold ahead of time, at least one week or two weeks. You denied that request and chose to tell me one day or two days, and unfortunately I have work and or I have another event and cannot attend. You set the boundary for those people believes the fear comes in of, oh no, they're going to reject me. They're not gonna validate, and they might not because they're entitled to that. They're entitled to not like it because it is not their boundary. It is yours just as much as they are entitled to not respect it, not like it. You are as well equally entitled to implement, enforce and respect your own boundary and behavior. And I always say in the end, whose opinion matters. If somebody else is upset, it is their own personal problem. What are some consequences of sacrificing your boundaries for those that have those clingy and needy style of behaviors? It can be damaging to a person's relationships. You hold onto boundaries in certain situations, but then it becomes challenging for those who fear abandonment, and then it creates a boundary. Reward feeling sensation to avoid that pain and rejection. It is very short lived. It does not last very long, so therefore it's not sustainable in the long term. The question is, can abandonment issues where you sacrifice your boundaries be resolved to get a better idea of a boundary that gives you, you want to have a good idea? And how a boundary gives you a sense of self. Those values are what is important to you and they define you. When you focus on those values, you have more of an ability to self-regulate better emotionally and mentally with other people with health, and then you're able to maintain healthier relationships when you focus on those values. Because you're making your needs matter at the same time reflecting to see if they respect your boundaries. The goal here is to be able to regulate the nervous system on triggers that cause those situations that may trigger abandonment, needy, clingy behaviors, causing you to sacrifice your boundaries. Then you can identify with it, you can talk about it. You can make it easier to notice when it comes up next. That way you're able to detach to those triggers and say no, and enforce boundaries in an effective manner and and more confident without being too scared. So yes, it can be resolved. You wanna get to the point of wanting to protect your boundaries and be more attentive to what triggers those abandonment, clingy fears, some questions to help you on that path and. Is asking yourself, what do I need to please myself? What are my needs to feel safe, to feel loved, to feel worthy? So what does abandonment and clingy behaviors do to a person? It creates this negative thinking style where they think that it's an idea of selflessness in taking care of somebody else's. If they even focus on their own needs of taking care of their own values, of their own worthiness, they start believing that I'm a bad person. And if others request to invade their boundaries and they deny them, they think they're being a bad person by saying no to them because they're not adhering to their boundaries and they forget about their. So it becomes very difficult to set boundaries because you become too scared that if you set it, the other person won't accept it. They will leave you. You don't think you can handle it, and it would be better if they stayed because irrationally, you believe that you need them when in fact you don. Connect with Anita on Facebook, facebook.com/conversations that work. An example when boundaries are crossed within relationships would be when a partner goes out with friends, the other partner continues to text call request that they have their G P S status available and answer at all times to. When they are away, then it creates a false sense of feelings of connection, feeling, loved the sense of belonging with thoughts that I am loved and good enough because they answered my texts within that minute that is hiding the real core symptoms and thoughts of feelings that I believe I am unlovable, not good enough, and therefore people will abandon and leave me and they don't wanna be with. So therefore I expect them to prove to me that I am good enough because I can't be able to do it alone. I'm unable to heal from the root cause of past trauma. So I'm leaving them responsible to do it for me, and that's a big responsibility for the other partner to be constantly taking care of your mental health because of your past trauma. It is not their respons. These are examples on what abandonment issues does to a person. They're known as a person who give in, and being a pushover is simply unsustainable. And this creates a situation which would cause them to do certain behaviors that would open up their boundaries and not hold on to them. And eventually it will create distress in relationships over time. So what are the short-term rewards? So the short term is it will help you feel more connected with somebody. You will get some reward by softening your boundaries. You will have a brief relief in intimate relationships from expanding your boundaries. So you do get some reward or else you wouldn't continue to do it, but it. Caused by not having a stable attachment in the past by loved ones and caregivers. So some questions you can ask is, how can you sustain that type of behavior? How much are you willing to open those boundaries for that sense of brief connection with somebody? It's really a gamble that you are willing to. And it does have its own sacrifices and cost, which will have you question, is it worth it? And the common fear that people face, the biggest obstacle is that they believe that it's very difficult to set boundaries because of that fear that even if I try to set it, the other person won't accept the boundary and they will leave. That is a valid fear. That pain of reject. So therefore they're willing to put up with just anything, so they won't be abandoned. The other person makes them feel okay, the other person leaves. You'll be stuck with those feelings of loneliness, unhelpful leaves that you're not good enough and you don't wanna experience that. So then you get stuck in that pain cycle. And so here what happens when boundaries are broken on one. You want the boundaries, but on the other side, you want that love and connection. So the question you need to ask yourself is, how much pain and suffering are you willing to deal with? How much personal sacrifice are you willing to go for that connection? That's where the disrespectful treatment, putting up with someone's addiction, cheating people, going back on their promises. Leaving them and coming back like nothing happened. Once you allow that, it does become difficult to set boundaries after that because if you try to set them afterwards, after you've already expanded so much and then you try to set boundaries to the other person, they will not accept it and they will leave. What does it result in? That cycle goes over and over and it keeps going perpetuating. You sacrifice the boundaries. It's kind of like a codependent relationship. You're so focused on the other person to avoid focus on yourself, that it would really hurt if they left. So what are the results in the long term? Well, that brief relief, it does not last very long. It perpetuates that process and you have to continue doing more and more and more in the future. It is not sustain. Can abandonment issues be fixed? You need to first be aware on the process on how that short-term long-term effects happen within those behavior. So some questions that you can ask yourself to help break that habit. Whatever the reward was, how long did it last? What am I actually getting from doing this behavior? Is there another way I can be able to obtain the necessary feeling? Sensation of love and belonging without doing this needy behavior, will that sustain me in the long term? How can I sustain this positive relief sensation, emotion? What can I do to maintain a positive, positive emotion of feeling loved and belong? Without the need to feel clingy or needy, or sacrifice my boundary, let's begin with the first strategy, putting you in touch with the pain that your present behavior of sacrificing your boundaries is causing operating, not out of fear so much about the other person, but focusing on yourself on what you need and feel having a positive support. Professional, help a therapist to face that fear, that pain. Finding ways to include someone that will trigger your self-awareness on feelings of safety, belonging, loving yourself, those thoughts of being worthy and deserving of it. It does take time and effort to stay true to your boundaries, and it can be approached in different ways. Know that this is a journey. Every day it will get better and better. Step number one, you wanna develop the resources that are necessary to help you calm your nervous system when there's difficult situations where your emotions may be triggered, disregulated into that big sense of fear. Once you use those calming techniques such as belly breathing, Taking a walk, listening to your favorite empowering song, turning on a candle. Once your system is regulated, you're now able to connect with that pain, that sacrifice of that boundary that is causing, and you wanna compare that pain to the situation. So in essence, you're on one side, the pain of the sacrifice, which is the. Versus the pain of the behavior, which one is lesser or greater? Does it cause more pain to sacrifice my boundary, or does it cause more pain into putting up with this behavior? And think of it on the long term, not the short. So, for example, if your partner keeps leaving you cheating on you, abandoning you per se, and coming back, not keeping their promises and coming back on one side, you're sacrificing your boundaries by accepting them, knowing that you value stability, honesty, responsibility. And then on the other side, you taken him back. How would that feel? Every single. So then you wanna look at it. Is it so bad or not so bad to be alone? After all, you want to focus on what the rejection issues look like. So you wanna be in touch with the pain that behavior is causing the behavior that is invading your boundaries. You wanna explore the ways that behavior is sacrificing your boundaries, that behavior the other person is doing. And how you are sacrificing your boundaries. Like you always picking up after the other person, always being the responsible one. So you want to be in touch with the pain that the present behavior is causing and explore the ways they're sacrificing your boundaries. For example, like you're always picking up after the other person. You're always being the responsible. You're doing all the errands by yourself. You're allowing someone to talk to you disrespectfully. You are the one working behaviorally to help them do things like set up counseling appointments, talking to people on their behalf, apologizing to them on the other person's behalf, cuz they won't be accountable. You want to be in touch with that pain. How does that look like? How does that. Is it worth sustaining that in the long term conversations at work with Anita Sandoval making challenging conversations easy. The goal is to move out of rejection and into a positive support system. You want to be able to reestablish boundaries, help you begin to operate out of your. Rather out of your fear, people have grown up sacrificing their own boundaries for contact with the parent or the caregiver. If I give my parents what they want, they'll give me what I want. So if you love me, you will do this, or else I won't love you or spend time with you, or give me a kiss or a hug, or else. So those are past causes of rejection issues that need to be brought up. One strategy. To help you reestablish boundaries is having someone you trust help you with this strategy. Have them walk towards you until you feel that sense of, okay, don't come any closer. You don't have anyone. You can even use a picture of someone else you're trying to set boundaries with. How far are you willing to let them walk right over your own personal? Sometimes you'll have them walk all over you. Be on top of your lap. I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel anything feeling wrong. Well, you need to reestablish and recalibrate that gut instinct. I didn't feel like I should have a boundary. Well, that's already a red flag. You want to reestablish those boundaries of personal space no matter who it is. Your mother, your father, your sibling, your family, a family. You want to be able to redefine personal space because everyone has personal space. So start creating a personal space. You can use a friend to help you develop a personal space of several feet and recalibrate of how it feels to have someone to be allowed in your own personal space where they need to ask permission to even be in your personal. You want them to ask permission and for you to say, for you to be empowered to say, yes, I allow you in my personal space. The goal with this strategy is to become aware of how this is a problem in your life, and so if you want to move forward into solving it, the basic strategy is to create a sense of safety within your own personal space, no matter who. See that it is a problem as an issue that needs to be fixed. Again, use someone you can trust, a photo or an object, a plush animal. Challenge the boundary, face that emotion, and see the result of the person still staying with you. After you say no, have them ask the person that you trust, can I go into your personal space and intentionally say no. And see them still staying and say, okay, I respect that. See how that feels. It may feel awkward at first, but then keep challenging that. Keep being consistent until it feels normal, because again, we all need our own personal space no matter who it is. With practice and consistency in this strategy. You will be able to mentally, logically feel justified in having that boundary. You wanna make it value based instead of emotional based, where you're operating out of fear for the other person. Focus on yourself and what you need to feel and value. So can setting boundaries make a difference in relationships? Yes. You wanna be able to try it. Activities and behaviors in the real world and start setting small boundaries, which will often result in showing a difference in the effects, such as either the person will change their behavior and treat you better or they will leave. You are accepting of people in your life that we're unhealthy to begin with, and it will leave space for the right type of people to be within your. Implementing your boundaries, you will then notice that nothing is going to work with the other person, and that you were connected in an emotional based aspect as opposed to a value. And the goal is to be within your own group of people within the same value. It will help you reflect on your self-esteem and self-worth. It allows you to sometimes make the difficult choice of leaving the other person who will not respect you within your values. And the big important factor here is when you're leaving unhealthy relationships, you want to develop a positive support system so that when you do activities and you start recreating your identity within your values, and. When they do leave those toxic people that don't respect your values and your boundaries, it won't feel like an emptiness that you're alone with thoughts of unworthiness, unloving, abandonment, or rejection. You will still have your group of people to help support you, finding you, validating you, understanding that you are on the right path to loving yourself, because after all, you are worth. And what makes someone a healthy, positive support system? Someone who is physically available, someone who is emotionally healthy, someone who is spiritually grounded, someone who will listen to you without being judgemental, someone who is not quick to give advice, someone who holds you accountable for the decisions that you make and understand. The difference between your values and you making your own decisions based on an emotional based decision or a value-based decision, and they will let you know whether you're doing one or the other. And that is what makes a positive support system. You want to be able to find people that may have one or two of those characteristics. Not one person can fit all of those if you find one. But know that if you know someone who is physically available and they are able to be non-judgmental, then go for it. You know, talk to them. If you know someone who is spiritually grounded, they have a purpose, they're emotionally healthy, you want to be able to talk to those, evaluate who you are talking to, and if that person is negative, don't talk to them anymore because you will not get anything positive out of it. And I will leave you with this quote. It is necessary and even vital to set standards for your life and the people you allow in it by Mandy. Until our next conversation, stay safe and be well. Thank you for listening to Conversations at Work with Anita Sandoval. Know someone who needs help and having healthy conversations. Share this episode and make sure to subscribe so you don't miss the next one until our next conversation.