Empowering Women In Conversations

Unmasking Manipulators and Becoming a Woman Empowered!

September 07, 2023 Anita Sandoval Season 2 Episode 16
Empowering Women In Conversations
Unmasking Manipulators and Becoming a Woman Empowered!
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Start creating awareness on Unmasking Manipulators and Becoming a Woman Empowered! 

Some Top Self-Defeating Thoughts of Women who lack Empowering Attributes which lead to being susceptible in unhealthy situations are:

  • I am not good enough
  • I am not confident enough
  • I am not loveable or worthy enough

 I will discuss the importance for people pleasers to know the characteristics of manipulators and on how it will allow you to build healthier relationships. 

Join me as we expose the hidden strategies, tactics, and techniques employed by manipulators in different aspects of life, including personal relationships, workplaces, and even the digital realm

  • This podcast aims to shed light on the various ways manipulators can exert control over us.

With a focus on understanding the psychology behind manipulation, we will uncover the underlying motives and intentions of manipulators. By interpreting their behaviors and recognizing the warning signs, you will gain invaluable insights to protect yourself from their influence.

But knowledge alone is not enough. This podcast is all about equipping you with the skills required to counter manipulation and reclaim your personal power. We will explore effective strategies, communication techniques, and self-empowerment practices that can help you break free from manipulator's grasp.

 I will offer you a Quick Tip on:  
The reasons on why Manipulators choose to exploit others and what it compensates for: 

  • Whether you have encountered manipulators in your personal relationships, faced manipulation in your workplace, or even experienced it within yourself:

Click Below for the Cheat Sheet:

 Unmasking Manipulators and Becoming A Woman Empowered is your ultimate guide to understanding, unmasking, and ultimately empowering yourself against manipulative individuals

If you want to know if your present relationship is the right one
Finding Mr. Right and Getting Rid of Mr. Wrong

If you have not been able to identify how the Fear of Abandonment and the Pain of Rejection can affect your relationships then listen to the previous episode:
How to Overcome the Pain of Abandonment and Fear of Rejection

Want to start learning how to Stay True To your Boundaries in Relationships with Ease and Confidence:

 Below I will give you the cheat sheet on how to do just that: 
Stop Sacrificing your Boundaries to Avoid Abandonment

Anita Sandoval@PACCTX
Anita Sandoval
Conversations That Work

In this episode, I'm going to discuss the purpose of the new rebranding of Empowering Women in Conversations. But first I want to give you what I am going to be working on. I'm going to discuss the characteristics of a manipulator. It's going to be interesting for everyone the concepts of how to manage and protect yourself from manipulators.

I will also give you some quick tips. The goal here is to figure out why it is so important for people pleasers to know these characteristics of manipulators and the importance of using these concepts of behavior management against them. What are the benefits? I want to help you answer.

The most frequent question asked to me is do these manipulators have the ability to change their behavior? You will also learn tips and techniques on how to protect yourself from these manipulators, the common self-defeating behaviors that women who lack empowering attributes have, and what is blocking you from building healthy relationships.

And I will give you at the beginning of the episode, a quick tip on the real causes of these manipulative behaviors. So stick around because this episode is for you. Welcome to Empowering Women in Conversations podcasts to empower and uplift women by providing a safe space for them to share their stories and experiences and encourage the strength, resilience, and power of women.

If you are tired of putting others' needs before your own leading to burnout and resentment and you are ready to transform and create relationships that are supportive rather than draining, join us on this journey of women overcoming adversities and achieving their true empowerment. Here's your host, a licensed professional counselor, Anita Sandoval.

Let's begin with a quick tip. The common question is why these manipulators do these things. Are they really the victims? Are their emotions really so unmanageable? Or do those behaviors have a purpose? The reasons these manipulate have these inappropriate behaviors are that. Generally unwelcomed to people like people. Pleasers. These manipulative behaviors can be best understood as actions triggered by the need to compensate for an endless variety of mindsets.

The way they see things, their own narrative,

their thoughts, their own wounded trauma from the past, their feelings and they are unable to resolve them.

So it is not caused by you saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, expecting too much because you're unsympathetic to their feelings and can't empathize with them because you don't understand them, because you refuse to listen to them, because, as they might tell you, that you fail to give enough of oneself one's time.

Attention has nothing to do with it, it is not caused by you doing any of that, but it is compensation. It does compensate for their own irrational beliefs, their illogical and faulty reasoning, their lack of problem-solving skills, their perception, and their narrative that they have no control and are helpless and powerless in a sense.

It's a self-defeating belief of self-helplessness. Therefore they have this need not a want, a need to control.

And they do have a low tolerance for frustration, which is why they get highly triggered. And intellectually and functionally are lazy. They rather go around and figure out another way somebody else can do it than they themselves can. They lack self-discipline and the patience for time and effort, the commitment and consistency to do one thing

and wait for it. This is the big one. They have increased fears and insecurities. It is not a symptom of mental illness

and it is not caused by low self-esteem, but is enabled and generated by extreme 
self-centeredness. It's always about them. They are the ones who are unable to empathize and it is reinforced and enabled. Within their own mindset normally their close loved ones or the ones around them are the most frequent targets.

And last but not least, it is a learned and rewarded behavior.

Which one of these was the most eye-opening for you? This is the quick tip! 

Okay guys, so

Storytime. The reason why I decided to rebrand this podcast is because I've noticed along the episodes that people pleasing and women has been an increase not only here in South Texas, but also globally. And I just wanted to spread awareness. This is the reason why I decided to rebrand the podcast to Empowering Women in Conversations.

The purpose of having this podcast show is to help empower and uplift women by providing a platform for them to share their stories, their experiences, and expertise. Now, this is not only for women per se, but this is to help educate women who feel that they are alone and don't have a voice.

This is also for men to understand those women who want to be able to become empowered, and how you can help support and uplift your partner,

your daughter, your niece, or a friend. This serves as a source of inspiration and information for women who aspire to make a positive impact in their lives and communities. I decided to open this podcast to help raise awareness about the issues and challenges that women face in their personal and professional lives and provide solutions and strategies to overcome them.

I myself struggle with society's programming on people pleasing and appeasing. And as you all who have known me before, I grew up in a third generation of abuse and neglect where women were not heard but seen. And if I dared speak out or speak up on a controversy that was not fair or unjust, I was seen as just a female.

That the opinion of such was not validated, was not valued, and inside of me I always knew. There was something wrong, it was just not fair. Or it was something that I knew I needed to do, not only for me but also for my daughters. Some of the common self-defeating behaviors that women who lack empowering attributes have is perfectionism.

Constantly seeking perfection and harshly criticizing oneself for every mistake. It took me years to figure out that it's okay to make a mistake. It's okay not be perfect because in society's programming ways, I will never be perfect for society, but I can be perfect for myself. Negative self-talk.

This is where limiting beliefs about oneself hinders your full potential

Oh my goodness. Even in social media, comparing oneself to others, and feeling inferior or inadequate because of it, how can we compare to others when we have led different lives? Avoidance Some people like to call this procrastination and then therefore label it as laziness. But it isn't. Avoidance is a way of showing symptoms of anxiety, and fear, and this inhibits challenges and opportunities for growth.

Due to that fear of failure or rejection. People are pleasing and appeasing. This is where we prioritize the needs and desires of others over one's own. In the short term, it may be great, but in the long term, it will destroy your soul. And last but not least, lack of boundaries.

Failing to assert your boundaries in relationships and allowing others to walk all over you opens the door to these manipulators because they know they can take advantage. This podcast is intended for all women who want to learn, grow, and empower themselves. I will try to cover various topics that can help women in their personal and professional lives, such as self-care care, personal development Overall, the lack of empowering attributes can lead to various fears and anxieties for women which will affect your personal and professional life.

Some of the top self-defeating thoughts for these types of women who lack empowering attributes are I'm not good enough. I'll never be able to do that. I'm not confident enough. I'm not attractive enough. Some women like it. To view their physical appearance as a barrier to their success. They may feel like they're not attractive or thin enough to succeed in certain industries or attract the attention of others.

These do not define you. This is just a narrative and story that you have been told throughout your life through other people, in society, and it is not real. In a perfect world, life would be a Disney dream come true. You would say and do the right thing. Other people would be accepting, understanding and compassionate, and nice.

Life would be fair and just. Then there's the reality.

Individuals within their own narrative perspective on how life should be. In Spanish, we call it "cada mente es un mundo." Every mind is its own world, which is very different than the Disney dream. So they see other people as flawed individuals fighting each other, surrounded by their own flawed, irrational, thought system narratives claiming it is true and valid in imposing such stories over to others.

That is what I call programming and conditioning. You are born and already identified as a female, beginning as a girl, transforming into a lady, becoming a woman, simply put, in society's norms and ways. But then again, life is not that simple. We are conditioned with thoughts such as I will be perfect, I have to be perfect.

I have to be a nice girl, I have to be a good girl. I have to be pleasing. I have to be appeasing. I have to be attractive enough, smart enough, talented enough, and good enough, and other people have to identify with me as being pretty enough. Soon the conflict begins to form.

Which conflict?

The authentic self versus the self society wants you to be.

Then it manifests in your life in ways such as anxiety, depression, no sense of directions. Dr. Shefali, as I will quote her, would say "Soul erosion is a gradual process, a slow, creeping chipping away of our inner being, resulting in the inevitable death of all we know to be our truest selves.

It is a disease that begins in childhood and spreads contagiously, especially in women. It each time we engage in programming conditioning of people pleasing and appeasing. Others before our own. We suppress our inner truth. We engage in the erosion of our most precious treasure, our essence."

 Then we have these increased fears growing up because of it fear of being judged.

Therefore, we lack the confidence and assertiveness because of it. Fear of failure because we got to avoid taking risks because new challenges due to fear of not being successful. It has to be perfect. Women will learn balancing work, family and personal life how to build confidence and self esteem.

Empowering and uplifting stories of other successful women. Overcoming adversities and becoming empowered one conversation at a time.

Characteristics of a Manipulator

number one victim stance. Here, the individual will view themselves as the victim in any situation, rejecting the idea that they are responsible for what has happened and should be held accountable for their actions. 

Number two injustice. This person constantly views things as unfair, thereby justifying their failure to follow the rules.

And when they are challenged, they seek to make unfairness the focus instead of dealing with the unacceptable behaviors. 

Number three narcissism. Because of a complete lack of empathy and chronic demand for understanding them. They claim that no one ever understands them. They couple that with lack of empathy and a demand for understanding.

They claim that your lack of understanding is the problem and not their behavior. They did nothing wrong, you did.

Number four one way boundaries. Here they define one way boundaries by their own needs and not yours. They demand that everyone respect their boundaries while routinely, habitually, they violate the boundaries of others.

For example, they have to have privacy. You can't ask them any questions, you can't get to their phone. You have to respect them. But

they can ask you as many questions and you have to share with them your phone passwords or anything of that sort. 

Number Five concrete transactions here any boundaries that you apply to them is just meant for. For them to figure out a way on how they can push, stretch, and break those boundaries, those limits that you set.

Because again, this is about them, not you. 

Number six pride in negativity, the pessimism, this individual takes great pride and knowledge of negativity and negative behaviors. They use this knowledge to enable them to gain power.

They use things against you.

Number seven anger with an angle. 
This individual will appear, quote unquote, to lose control. Or they claim to have lost control after an aggressive, destructive, or abusive incident. This loss of control inevitably leads to them having more control of power over those around themselves. Others are afraid to trigger them into another out of control episode. This is defensiveness personified.

All of this serves to support the individual's defensiveness around taking responsibility for their actions. 

Number eight one way learning.
They will use a variety of inappropriate behaviors to train adults about what to expect if they are opposed, resisted, or otherwise do not get what they want. They will resist all efforts to learn to use appropriate methods to get what they want. Let's talk about the importance of protecting yourself from manipulators.

When you are able to protect yourself from these manipulators, several things can happen. There is reduced control from them. They thrive on controlling and influencing others. So when you diminish their control over you, they will realize their tactics are ineffective and they will move on.

Remember, protecting yourself from manipulators may require ongoing effort. They will try any and all tactics to regain control at all times. So you have to stay vigilant and continue to prioritize your well being at all times. There will be less manipulative attempts, but that doesn't mean they're going to stop all around.

You have to establish strong boundaries at all times and become aware of their own manipulative tactics. I just mentioned a few. There are more. Since I can't discuss all of them in this episode, 

I can provide you with a cheat sheet with all of them that I have for you.

And what other benefits will you have? 
Your relationship will increase and become more healthy and have a more meaningful connection. You will have personal growth. Dealing with these manipulators and learning to protect yourself can be a valuable learning experience. And know that just because you set boundaries doesn't mean that the manipulators are going to be okay with it.

They will be upset. They will have, as I call it, tantrums. But they have two choices either they change or they leave. Those are the only options.

If you continue to use the concepts from behavior management into making sure they don't take advantage of you, those are the only options left. But you cannot assume that you're going to change and they're going to stay because they also have a choice. So let's answer that common question can manipulators have the ability to change their behavior?

Yes.  However, it's important to note that it is not easy. It takes time and effort, commitment and consistency. And if you learned in the beginning, that's one of the things they lack. They have to learn and implement new behaviors, which takes time to learn and it become habitual. And some manipulators may be open to changing their behavior if they realize the harm that they are causing or if they want to improve their relationships. However, it is not guaranteed that all manipulators will be willing or able to change. It really depends on each individual circumstance and motivations.

But overall, both people in a relationship are ultimately responsible for any changes that may occur, including the behaviors of manipulators. Each one can only be responsible for themselves at best 50% and that's it. The manipulator's behavior lies within themselves. They have to recognize the behavior, take ownership of it, actively work on it for the rest of their lives.

And then you have to consistently set boundaries, communicate your needs and concerns for the rest of your life, not enable that manipulative behavior. Both parties have to engage in this open and honest communication, seek professional help if needed, but it does need commitment and consistency for personal growth and self improvement in order to have and establish and build.

Healthy relationships. Why is it important for people pleasers to know the characteristics of manipulators? So you could avoid codependency?

People pleasers tend to be susceptible to codependent relationships. When you recognize these manipulative traits, it does prevent people pleasers from becoming enablers or perpetuating codependent dynamics. So knowing the characteristics of these manipulators is crucial for people pleasers to protect themselves, build healthier relationships, and grow personally. You can break free from this manipulation cycle and prioritize your own well-being.

You can become more empowered. You can increase your boundaries. You can become identified as an individual and not get enmeshed with these manipulators and lose yourself within them.

And definitely, you can start building healthy relationships by recognizing this manipulative behavior. Need further guidance? Connect with the host. Licensed professional counselor Anita Sandoval on LinkedIn

Concepts to manage manipulative behavior. 
Number one accept no excuse for abuse. This is a non-negotiable. State this firmly and clearly whenever an excuse is offered for manipulative unhealthy behaviors. Do not negotiate this matter at all means this applies to any invasion of boundaries of any family, friend, or guest and self-defense that abuses or manipulates other people that's still abuse. That's still manipulative. Two wrongs. Do not make it right, people. 

Okay. Number two are direct and clear statements. Let's not get passive aggressive here. Because I know you people pleasers love this.

I know because I would do it. Times I catch myself. Oh, my goodness. When you want something to stop, change you must be firm, clear, and direct. For example,

Say, don't talk to me that way. I will not allow this and walk away. Don't be afraid of appearing powerless. If the other person responds negatively, hold them accountable for their behaviors, which is powerful no matter how the other person responds. You're yelling, I will not tolerate this yelling.

Leave. You can't control them, but you can control your feet. You can control yourself. 

Number three disconnect.
Cut off communication and contact immediately. It if the other person is being disrespectful, annoying, obnoxious, manipulative in an unhealthy manner, or whatever you want to call it, turn around and walk away. You will not move forward until they take responsibility for their behaviors. Have them be accountable no matter what.

That is the number one key. If you haven't heard this already, in these first three, have them be accountable for their behaviors. It is not yours to take. And literally say it like that, your yelling is not my responsibility. Your voice, your body, your responsibility to manage it.

Number four
Be Empowered.
Unempowered individuals can only become empowered through experiences. Don't just think it, let's do it. Yes,

It's going to come out not perfect.

In order to get it right, you need to get it wrong.

Problem-solving skills and self-management skills are what are needed to become successful. But you got to practice. Practice makes progress.

Utilize all social, environmental, and legal options at your disposal. No one should be allowed to blackmail, or emotionally manipulate you into doing something that you are not comfortable with, no matter what. Take advantage of every means possible and have a support system in mind. People who are unhealthy and toxic and commit unhealthy behaviors do not simply outgrow the tendency to resolve their issues by manipulative tactics.

This is a habit. There's no way you can break a habit. Contrary to popular belief, you can only replace it. Think of it like riding a bike. 

Number five is honesty. It is difficult to determine what is honest when dealing with manipulative people, especially when those perceptions and narratives it's affected by their irrational beliefs.

So only focus on the behaviors at hand and useful to separate the excuse and sad or noble story from the behavioral, incident, or abusive behavior. 

Number six values are consistent. Be clear regarding what you value in life spiritually, mentally, physically, socially, and ethically, and talk about these values with people you know or yourself at all times.

Connect each behavior you do with your value. 

Number seven.
It's business. Nothing personal.

Issues such as manipulative behaviors, failing to keep commitments, dishonesty, and invading boundaries, should be dealt with in a semi-formal manner. It is the behavior you will not tolerate, not the person. Separate the two

it they will want to enmesh you with the behavior, with them as a person, and make sure you tell them it is not you, it is the behavior.

The more you keep your emotions out of it and stay true to your values, making value-based decisions, this will help you maintain control of your situation.

Number eight identify
If the other person is using irrational thoughts, irrational narratives to justify their behaviors or explain away a problem.
Calmly identify the unproductiveness of this. Do not defend yourself. Just simply state the behavior. For example, blaming me will not help you solve your problem.

That you decided to call me names, call them out on their behavior. Why is it important to use these concepts against manipulators? Well, number one, protecting yourself. There's only one of you and waiting for this Disney dream that someone's going to protect you. It's like that movie what is it?

That movie Shrek, Fiona was waiting for her night in shining armor. She was like, oh, let me just do it. You do have the capability of protecting yourself. You have it in you. And manipulators have a tendency to exploit and harm others for their personal gain. So when you use these behavior management techniques, you can protect yourself from being taken advantage of. You're able to maintain healthy relationships. You're able to promote fairness and justice within your relationships, and you're able to increase your resiliency and self-confidence by knowing and dealing with these manipulators. 

Because, yes, it can be emotionally draining, and you can feel vulnerable and powerless in such situations.

But when you utilize these behavior management concepts, it will help you build resiliency and the positive thoughts that I am capable and I am enough and I am worthy.

There will be more in the cheat sheet on the concepts of behavior management. So just click on the link in the podcast show notes for them

and I will leave you with this quote 
"It took me quite a long time to develop a voice and now that I have it, I am not going to be silent. " By Madeline Albright. 

Until our next Empowered conversation. 
We are brave. We are strong. We are compassionate. We are women empowered.

Thanks for listening to Empowering Women in Conversations. This conversation has ended, but your journey to empowerment continues. Please share with someone you know who will find this conversation helpful and inspiring. And don't forget to subscribe so you don't miss an episode. Until our next Empowered Conversation with your host, licensed professional counselor Anita Sandoval.

And remember We are Brave. We are Strong. We are Compassionate. We are Women Empowered. Go out there and claim your power.

The Quick Tip: Why do these Manipulators Exploit and Use People
Reason for Empowering Women In Conversations
Common Self-Defeating Behaviors
Top Self Defeating Thoughts
Programming and Conditioning a Woman
The Effects of the People Pleasing Self
The Increased Fears due to People Pleasing
Characteristics of a Manipulator
Importance of Protecting Yourself Against Manipulators
Benefits of Protecting yourself Against Manipulators
Can Manipulators Have the Ability to Change their Behaviors?
Concepts to Manage Manipulative Behaviors
What Happens When You use these Techniques Against Manipulators
Cheat Sheet on Unmasking Manipulators
I will Leave you with this Quote

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