Empowering Women In Conversations

Breaking Free From People Pleasing During the Holidays

• Anita Sandoval • Season 3 • Episode 19

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The holiday season is here, and while it’s a time for joy and celebration, it can also be overwhelming—especially for women who struggle with people-pleasing. In this episode of Empowering Women in Conversations, Anita Sandoval is joined by Jessica Hope Murph, LMFT, to explore why the holidays are particularly challenging for people pleasers and how to reclaim peace, joy, and authenticity during this time.

What We Cover in This Episode:

  • Why the Holidays Bring Stress for People Pleasers:
    Jessica explains how family programming, perfectionism, and cultural expectations contribute to holiday stress.
  • Core Characteristics of People Pleasers:
    Understanding the patterns that lead women to prioritize others' needs and struggle with self-worth.
  • Steps to Shift Away from People-Pleasing:
    Practical tips for starting small, such as treating yourself with care and setting boundaries.
  • The Power of Assertive Communication:
    Examples of passive, aggressive, and assertive communication styles, and phrases to use in challenging situations.
  • The Importance of Peer Support:
    How surrounding yourself with the right people can help you maintain boundaries and build resilience.

BONUS: Listen in to 6 quick survival tips will help you reclaim your worth, set boundaries, and truly enjoy the season. Reclaim Your Worth and Enjoy the Holidays

Memorable Quotes:

  • “Stop trying to prove that you're enough and just be enough.” – Jessica Hope Murph, LMFT
  • “When you treat yourself like the queen you are, you’re not just practicing self-care—you’re changing your core value to ‘I am enough.’” – Jessica Hope Murph, LMFT

Actionable Tips:

  1. Start small with self-care: Take 10 minutes for yourself each morning or treat yourself to something you enjoy.
  2. Practice assertive communication: Replace passive or aggressive styles with confident, respectful phrases.
  3. Surround yourself with supportive people: Find peer groups or friends who uplift and empower you.

You can reach Jessica Hope Murph:

Breaking Free: Unmasking Narcissistic Abuse and Empowering the People Pleaser Within

 And remember to subscribe so that you don't have to miss another episode.
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 I want to start today with a little story,  one that might sound familiar to some of you.  Picture this. It's the week of Thanksgiving. Maria, a mom of two, wakes up at 5 a. m. to start prepping the turkey. She's also planning to make her famous pumpkin pie from scratch, because of course, store bought wouldn't be good enough. 

As she's chopping the vegetables, she remembers She promised her sister she'd bring extra plates. So she rushes out the door to buy them, leaving her kids with a frozen waffle for breakfast.  By mid morning, her husband is watching football. The kids are bickering, and she's frantically trying to get everything done. 

Her mom calls to remind her not to forget the gravy this year, because you always forget something.  By the time the family gathers, Maria is exhausted,  frustrated, and quietly stewing over why no one offered to help,  feeling that resentment.  smiles through it all. Though because that's what she's supposed to do, right? 

Later that night, as she collapses on the couch, she wonders,  why do I always do this to myself?  Why does it feel like no matter how much I do,  it's never  enough?  If that story  hit home for you,  You're not alone.  The holiday season can be a minefield of expectations and obligations, especially for women who are people pleasers.

We're taught to prioritize everyone else's happiness to the point where we lose sight of our own.  But what if this year could be different?  Today we're talking with Jessica Hope Murph, a licensed marriage and family therapist about breaking free from people pleasing during the holidays. We will explore why this time of year can be so stressful, identify the roots of people pleasing behaviors, and share practical tips.

To help you reclaim your time, your energy, and your joy.  So let's dive in and start unwrapping the gift of freedom from people pleasing because you deserve a holiday season that feels as good As it looks  welcome to empowering women in conversations a podcast to empower and uplift women by providing a safe space for them to share their stories and experiences and encourage the strength resilience and power of women. 

If you are tired of putting others needs before your own, leading to burnout and resentment, and you are ready to transform and create relationships that are supportive rather than draining, join us on this journey of women overcoming adversities and achieving their true empowerment. Here's your host, a licensed professional counselor, Anita Sandoval. 

Take a break from the chaos and reclaim your calm. Join the 5 Day Relief Challenge. Unwind and relax in just 5 days. Visit www. anitasandoval. com to sign up and start your journey to a stress free you today.  Welcome back to the show Jess and in today's episode we're talking about breaking free and surviving on these holidays with people pleasing and our family and everything that comes included with this season.

We're in November hitting Thanksgiving. We're hitting December and, you know, I know that there's a lot of our audience women out there going, Oh my gosh, what if so and so gets invited? Oh my gosh. What if I get the right present? And I'm so glad that you're here to welcome us. Thank you. I'm so glad to be back and I always love being a part of any space that is about empowering women, especially right now.

Um, Gosh, so much of the, the things that we do as women is, is around  trying to cater to everyone's needs. Um, anyway, so I'm Jessica Murph, um, and I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I have a private practice called Beyond Boundaries Counseling, RGB.  Even though I work with people all over the state of Texas, I originally started, uh, here in South Texas in the Rio Grande Valley, and I'm still here and this is my home.

Oh, I love that you're here in the Rio Grande Valley. Cause we need so much of more women being empowered here to help our people pleasers. Why do you think that the holiday season tends to bring up a lot of stress among those that are women and people pleasers? Do  we have five hours?  I know.  So, you know, first of all, family of origin trauma, um,  the holidays is, is,  You know, it, on one hand, it's this very, it's supposed to be a celebration, something very beautiful, decorations, something that some people are very privileged to just experience, but I think for a lot of us, we experienced Um, and I think that's a really important thing to know.

I've had a lot of my mom, grandma, whoever, being incredibly stressed out. And frustrated. And you know, that, that's. Can be because they wanted to have everything done a certain kind of a way. Um, and, you know, probably not getting a whole heck of a lot of help. And just doing everything by themselves and. If they didn't get something done right, or they forgot something, probably someone else in the family, dad, grandpa, even kids would, you know, ask mom what you forgot this you didn't do that and so rather than it just being a wonderful thing to experience behind the scenes we have a very frustrated woman of the house trying to get everything done.

And whether she was aware of it or not, took out that frustration on the kids, you know, Hey, you need to do this. Hey, you need to do that. And so it all just kind of trickles down, um, and you know, not, not a healthy thing at all. I say to heck, to heck with it.  Yeah. Yeah. Yes. One of the characteristics in women is perfectionism.

Oh, if I just do this just right. And if it's not just right, that's it. It's all gone. You know. horrible failure, and therefore they internalize I'm a failure because it's not done perfect. And I always Yeah, and I was seeing the Mexican culture. If the mom comes in right away, we have to be doing something because you know, we can't relax. 

We have there the brother or the father watching the football game. Well, come on, help me.  Nice.  Exactly. What are some of the common characteristics you see in women who tend to prioritize other people before their own needs? And what can they do to shift this pattern?  Okay, so I'm going to go like,  real, real deep, like the root, the root of it, rather than just some of the self care tips, um, which is always really good, but okay, let's So the, it, it's about the core value and because of like anxious attachment, disorganized attachment, or I mean, let's all just say it emotionally unavailable parents, um, yes, this core value is created in a person that, you know, they wake up in the morning believing that they are just not enough, especially women and especially You know, the women that I work with here in the Latinx community, um, they, they, everything that they do is about proving that they have a right to breathe. 

Everything that they do is about proving that they are enough, that they are worthy of love, that they are worthy of respect, because They are not respected. They, they are just not respected and the sad thing is, is that they do so much and I'm sorry that I'm passionate. No, I'm not sorry. Yes. Yes. No, let's do it.

Yeah. They do so fucking much all the  time. Yes. Yes. Yes. And, and their reward is,  oh,  You didn't, you didn't do this, this one thing, right? Oh, you, you paid that bill a day late. Oh, you, you forgot the milk. How could you? So all that work that they do is just negatively reinforced. You're not enough. You're not enough.

You're not enough. And. And then we're like, Oh, why don't you love yourself?  Oh my gosh. Yes. Yes. And even in the kids. So I remember when I was little, I was visiting my grandma and I was like, you know what? I'm going to help my, my abuelita broom her, her sala. So I'm here brooming the front porch and her living room.

And my mother comes in and she's like, uh, my grandma was like, look, she helped me clean. So proud. Right. Cause you know, once you become a grandma, it's like a different thing. It's like a, you're, you're not the mom, you know, she's the grandma. And then my mom comes in and like, yeah, I wish you would clean like that in my house.

And it's like, oh my gosh, you do something right, but they don't acknowledge that. And they make it worse. Or even if I did do something, they figure, oh, that was too easy. You know what? You need to do this also next time you need to do this and this and that. So it's never enough. There's always something wrong.

Need further guidance. Connect with the host licensed professional counselor, Anita Sandoval on LinkedIn. 

So here we have the little girls growing up to be like that. The moms are punishing them and then the grandma by that time they maybe realize what they're doing or they're too far gone with the criticizing.  How can this generations of not enough, what can be done to shift this?  I tell my clients,  This morning, when you, when you just woke up with your nasty, stinky morning breath and, and your, you know, bed head, all of it, you know, with your like, babas, you know, everything,  you, you are enough, you're more than enough, you are precious, you're special, you're fucking fierce, you are everything. 

So  we've got to find ways for you to change that core value and that's so hard and they go like, Oh, thanks, Jess. Uh, how the hell,  how the heck do I do that? Yeah. I'm like, look, mama, like It's going to take time because we're talking about changing a core value. So while we understand that that is the goal, to change that core value, you've got to start small.

You've got to start treating yourself like you are the damn queen. Hold your head up high. You know, if whatever you need for self care for some women, it's getting their nails done for some women is, you know, just having some alone time, you know, in the morning, whatever you need to do, start treating yourself as though your core value is I'm enough just breathing this air. 

I'm enough just walking. I'm, I am enough no matter what the hell I'm doing and I don't need to prove it. Stop trying to prove that you're enough and just be enough. And if someone treats you like you aren't,  You know, they don't need to be a part of your world. Oh, yes.  Yes. Let's say a mini baby step. What can they tell them whenever somebody tells them something?

Let's say the mom goes, really? That, you know, And or a friend going, yeah, you've gained some weight. You need to lose a couple of pounds. I'm your friend. I just thought I'd let you know. What can you, you know, what can they tell them to kind of go? Yeah, you're not my people. 

Sorry. 

I'm so far removed from that toxic shit.  First of all, like, no one gets to comment on your body, period.  Much less if it's unsolicited.  I'm a believer in health at every size. Yeah. Health at every shape. Yes. Your body, right? So, you know, you can say things like,  hey,  We don't need to talk about the size or shape of my body. 

And if they continue to judge you, you know, start pulling away. You don't necessarily need to have a full blown conversation about how they are toxic, and how you've been on your journey in therapy. You can just take longer to respond to their text messages.  Don't answer the phone every time that they call.

Listen, I don't answer my phone when people call me randomly out of the blue, because I've got things going on.  I've got,  I've got a life. I've, I, you know, and, and maybe I have nothing going on,  but that's my nothing. Yes. That's my space. Yes. I love that. Your distance is enough. Oh, yes. I love your distance is enough.

Meaning you choose that distance, what you want to be with that person. If they're healthy, not healthy, if they're toxic going, you know what? We're not talking about that right now. And you don't have to answer that text. You don't have to respond. You can stay silent and you can distance walk away. Okay.

Okay. That is an amazing tip. I love it. Need further guidance? Connect with the host, licensed professional counselor, Anita Sandoval on LinkedIn.  And this is the toughest for my women people pleasers here, especially in failed relationships because people assume relationships is with your partner, but relationships is anyone that you have any connection with.

It could be your brother, your sister, your mother. It doesn't even have to be a relative. It's just people you hang out with. And in this holidays, there, there tends to be a lot of lack Of boundaries. And these women hate this word boundaries, loving limits, whatever you want to call it, but this is what is needed in any relationship.

How can they assert themselves when they're so afraid of creating or implementing these boundaries, especially during the holidays within their relationships?  Use the word assert. I love the word assertive when it comes to communication. Obviously, I'm a very assertive communicator, um, because I spent so much of my life either being an aggressive communicator, a passive communicator, or my favorite passive aggressive because that was my mom's M.

O. I guess the, the dish fairy is just going to show up and wash these dishes.  Yes. Say it with your whole chest mom. 

speaking assertively. When you use assertive communication the right way, yeah. You are stating things as matter of fact without emotion involved. If.  Someone made you a promise, let's see, let's use dishwashing. Someone made you a promise that they were gonna wash the dishes and you were gonna cook dinner. 

You come home,  sink full of dishes, person's scrolling on TikTok.  You know, you could come home and be like, what the fuck? You know, what the hell? What do you, you were supposed to, that's aggressive. Okay. Or, um. You go in the kitchen and you start slamming things around. That's passive aggressive  or you go  Would you mind could you please if you get a chance?

I know you're so busy. That's passive communication  All of those styles are unhealthy. They don't work. They are useless Instead  go to them and say Hey, remember we, we had a deal. So, um, you go ahead and wash the dishes. Like we agreed on, I'm going to go take a shower. When I get out of the shower, I'm going to make spaghetti, but all right. 

And you just.  You know,  sometimes maybe you need to take a minute. Maybe you walk in and you see the dishes. You're tired. It's been a long day. Go take a minute. Go breathe. You know, let's all assume that everyone's just doing their best.  Right? Go regulate your emotions first and then come in and use assertive communication.

Oh, and if that person  continues to disrespect your agreement, they don't belong in your world.  I love that. You know that I know what Dr. Bruce Perry, neuro sequential model, our brain works bottom up. We can't really implement boundaries. We're not, if we're not cool, calm and collected. So I love how you said, you know what, we need to regulate ourselves, kind of do a self check first and see, am I in the right space to be able to assert myself and become assertive and, and implement.

Disagreement and if you're not let's take a step back because you come first And then when you're in the right place and you can now formulate some words to keep it business Not personal that's right Then you can go ahead and talk to someone as a matter of fact, this was stated, but it wasn't this is my opinion My value my boundary and there's no non negotiable.

It needs to be met I don't know how you're going to do it, but this is it. And if not, this is what's going to happen. And then the follow through with that, the follow through  that's, I think that is where people struggle the most. It can, can we go there? Yes. I was about to ask you,  let's go there.  Yes. So people pleasers, um, when, this  is  like a word, the people pleasers.

Um,  When we start doing that work in, in therapy, when I'm working with my clients or help, even maybe just friends, um, they, they get it. We learn boundaries. We do lots of homework on like what boundaries are different types of boundaries. And we learn the assertive communication, right? We're doing homework.

The reality is is that it's not just about implementing the boundaries. It's about holding it. And that's where people struggle so much, because maybe they're able to get, you know, mom and grandma to understand that, you know, I, I did I can't visit you every single day. I have children, um, you know, I, with respect, I, you know, this is, this is just too much.

And when you kind of give me that guilt trip, like that's not helping our relationship, right? They do, they do all the things. Time goes by. And mom and grandma or whoever that they're setting these boundaries with. Um, you know, they're not in therapy. Maybe they are trying to be respectful of the boundaries.

You know, they themselves are not there. Right? And so they start with the guilt tripping. They start with the, um, you know, the  performative guilt and, you know, uh, you know, I, I mean, kind of like, I, I, and I, I know, but like, you know, I really need this from you and no one else is going to do it. And so, and they go like, okay, yeah, you're right.

And  then they come to session with me the next day and I'm like, no. 

You have to hold the boundary because  if you, let's say you hold that boundary real well for a week. Okay. And like, they're like held the boundary, hold the boundary. And then after a week, they like, Oh, right. And they let it go when they kind of give in and you know, they revert back to old behaviors.

You're just telling people that they need to ask you for a week before you give in. All right.  Do not  move,  hold the boundary. Okay, how long do they have to hold the boundary? Forever. Thank you. Forever. You set a boundary, that boundary is a rule. You, forever. Yes. Period.  It's a life transformation. Yes, definitely.

How can implementing these boundaries forever help create, build resilience and create authenticity in a person when it comes to relationships?  Oh,  I, it just gives me the warm and fuzzies thinking about that because  when you, when you, I needed to touch my heart.  When you implement those boundaries and you make those long term changes,  you,  one day you wake up and I, goosebumps.

You wake up and you're like,  I have so much space and time for me now. 

I can't believe.  Yes. Not having this like, weight and guilt and, oh my god, what is wella gonna say? What is mom gonna do? What like, oh, did I, you know,  You wake up one day and that's gone.  Yeah. And all of a sudden, you know, if the family is complying, you know, and maybe they don't, so maybe this isn't the reality.

Maybe the reality is that you end up having to push some family members away a little bit. That's okay. That's okay.  Maybe they do. Maybe they do come around. Um, and all of a sudden you find yourself wanting to pick up that phone and call them.  Maybe they learned from you, maybe you call them and they're like, not right now, Mejita, I'm busy.

How wonderful would that be? And I always say, I know that's the reason why we do what we do. And I, there's this, definition by Dr. Shefali. And she talks about soul erosion and that people pleasers every time they people please and give into others, a little piece of them dies and erodes. And that includes their self identity of who they are. 

So when you do this life transformation, one day, you're going to wake up and go,  this is me, this is who I am. And I'm not going to ever lose that part of me ever again.  And I remember you mentioning, well, not everybody's going to comply. Okay. Well, how would peer support or therapy help establish that empowerment for that individual to continue this path in that transformation to be resilient and be authentic? 

Man. Peer support is great. So like group therapy, um, group therapy, support groups, um,  maybe even just like joining a women's empowerment, uh, Facebook group or something.  You find that maybe while you lost  something,  you find the thing that you lost  was toxicity, pain,  trauma,  and you made space.  for  authentic relationships, for friends that  build you up, that don't cause anxiety.

Listen to your body. If you are talking to someone, and you get that,  that pain in your chest, or you look at your phone,  Oh, it's them again. Your body's talking to you. Your body is saying, stay away from them. Listen to it. You get that like heaviness in your chest. That person is probably not good for you.

And, or you need to set better boundaries with that person.  But if someone calls you, your bestie calls you, the girl from the support group, maybe you get a smile. Sponsor that helps with, um,  with like people pleasing and accountability. And you're like, Oh yeah, my bitch, you  get excited and you feel uplifted.

You feel motivated and you jump on her podcast. Yes.  Or 12 Steps of Heart Group for People Pleasing. Definitely. I love that. Those are the people you need to talk to and surround yourself with. Anita, I know, like, when you and I talk, I know I light up.  Yes. And I feel good at the end of our conversations when we talk.

And I'm like, I'm going to go write a blog. Yes. Yes. I love that. That's what peer support does. Cause great minds think alike. You want to be with that person who have shared values to know that, wait, am I crazy? Is it me? No, it's not you. You know? I mean, it's you for staying there. Yeah, . But it's not you for thinking that way.

That's right. And that peer support will help you build that. Mm-Hmm. , I, I remember when I was shifting and, and there's a period of shifting from letting go the stage of grief of who you were and the stage of change of you becoming, and that yucky part in the middle of like, oh my gosh, I'm lost. And this is where the support group comes in in therapy.

And I was in between that at one point. And I remember telling my now friend. Going, yeah, so and so would say this about me, but she was my friend. That's why she did it. And she goes, she said that negative thing to you.  Uh, FYI, friends don't do that.  And I was like, Oh, I wasn't aware. She's like, yeah, we uplift no negativity.

We accept non judgmentally. That's right. Wow. And that opened up my eyes thinking, well, she wasn't a friend that was toxic. Wow. I was stuck in a people pleasing relationship because I would always give into them and they would criticize me that it wasn't enough. And I was like, Oh my gosh, I was living in a relationship that was like my mom  and that's what happens.

Yeah. And I'm just like, so glad I'm not there and I have my new people and I love it. You know,  man, and, and which brings me to this point too.  What is your best advice that you can give women who are starting their path of being people pleasers and becoming empowered? I mean, for one.  You can't do it alone. 

Um, if therapy is not, um,  accessible for you, find support  some way, somehow.  There are so many ways to find support. If you can, get into therapy, get into therapy. Make sure you find a therapist that is  Um, and we're therapists, we have therapists, like, we, we don't do it on our own either. I, I, years and years and years and years of therapy.

Um, I, you know, this didn't come naturally. It, it, it,  It takes work. It takes a lot of work and you're going to make mistakes,  but that's why you need support. That's why you need either a therapist, a support group, um, starting to distance yourself from the things that feel toxic. Listen to your body, create a stronger mind body connection.

Yeah. And the only way you can do that is, um, by having time to listen to your body. And how do you have time to listen to your body? You make, you make space, you create space. So I don't think I have like one best advice because there's just so Yeah. Much. What would be your, um, what would you tell someone would be your best advice?

That is exactly what you said. I mean, what you said, you know what? You can't do it alone. It's a journey, not a destination. And if you fall, you're still falling forward. You dust yourself off. Get your peer support, your therapist, someone who's positively available, unconditional support, and you keep fighting that fight because there's no looking back and your goal is to become empowered, authentic, resilient.

And we're going to have moments and embrace those moments. So exactly what you said, ah, that was beautiful  before we wrap up. I do want to be able to tell the audience here on anything that's coming up. You know, I know that you're having a bootcamp for couples, especially here in the holidays that's coming up, maybe any projects and where can they find you on social media? 

Awesome. Um, so my website is www. bbcrgv. com beyond boundaries counseling. RGV, like Rio Grande Valley. Um, and I do have a boot camp coming up for couples. I call it a boot camp because it, it is a way for me to help as many couples as I can in a very affordable kind of a way. It's going to be one flat fee for four weeks.

It's going to be one day a week for four weeks. It's going to be a group. I'm going to be doing a couple's online event, and I'm just going to share as much of my knowledge as people will let me I'm going to give homework, I'm going to, I'm going to talk about Gottman method and making respect, the most important part of the relationship.

Because as long as respect exists in the relationship, you can find your way back to love and intimacy and romance. But if you don't have respect, you don't have shit. 

That's going to be, um, at the end of January, beginning of February, right before Valentine's So instead of spending your money on You know, an expensive dinner or frivolous gifts, invest in your relationship and, you know, come, come to couples bootcamp together and put in the effort, put in the work, do the work and your relationship will be better for it.

It just really will. I love how you said that. Oh, thank you so much for sharing. And I'd like to leave with two questions that I want to ask you that I always ask my guests. Cause I love to hear your point of view. And question number one is what is your definition of an empowered woman? A woman who trusts herself, a woman who makes decisions and doesn't feel the urge to 

ask every single person they know, was this the right decision? Did I do that? Okay. They make a decision and they trust themselves because they know that all these other decisions that they have made has gotten them to where they're at today. So when they make a choice, make a decision, they feel confident that the choices and decisions they make are going to keep them safe and protected, bring them joy, money.

security. They just, and  that's because they have surrounded themselves with people who empower them. I love that. I love that. And my next one, let's assume in the future that All your work that was created was lost your legacy. Um, anything that you had written, anything about you and three generations moving forward in the future, let's say your great grandchild or niece, or, you know, a female line within your family line found a letter from you. 

What truth could you bestow or would you bestow on this family line of females? So they could carry on forward.  Oh, I'm going to bring it back to  you're enough.  You're enough when you woke up this morning and put your feet on the ground. You, you're enough and you don't have to prove it ever to anyone.

You are absolutely perfect. just the way that you are. Whoever, you know, God or universe or science or energy,  whoever created you and got you here, you're, you're just absolutely enough. So don't ever feel like you need to prove it.  My gosh, that was so beautiful. So beautiful. I loved it. And so just want to say thank you for your time for coming here and this new podcast of empowering women in conversations.

Cause I know you were in my, in my earlier days of conversations that work. And this is the reason why I switched for females to know that you're not alone. And so thank you so much for joining us today.  Thank you for letting me be here. I love it. Thanks for listening to empowering women in conversations.

This conversation has ended, but your journey to empowerment continues. Please share with someone, you know, who will find this conversation helpful and inspiring. And don't forget to subscribe. So you don't miss an episode. Until our next empowered conversation with your host, licensed professional counselor, Anita Sandoval.

And remember, we are brave. We are strong. We are compassionate. We are women empowered. Go out there and claim your power.

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