
Empowering Women In Conversations
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- Building confidence and self-esteem
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- Balancing work, family, and personal life
The purpose of having a Women Empowered Podcast could be to empower and uplift women by providing a platform for them to share their stories, experiences, and expertise. It could also serve as a source of inspiration and information for women who aspire to make a positive impact in their lives and communities. Additionally, the podcast could help raise awareness about the issues and challenges that women face in their personal and professional lives and provide solutions and strategies to overcome them.
Empowering Women In Conversations
From People Pleaser to Empowered Woman: Wendy’s Story of Healing & Growth: Part 2
What was your biggest Takeaway from this Episode! I would Love to hear from you!
From People Pleaser to Empowered Woman: Wendy’s Story of Healing & Growth
Series: Empowered & Unfiltered (Part 2 of 3)
Guest: Wendy Adamson | Luxury Portrait Photographer & Empowerment Advocate
Episode Description:
What happens when a daughter finally says, “I won’t sacrifice myself for your love anymore”?
In this raw and powerful conversation, Wendy Adamson opens up about growing up under the control of a narcissistic mother—and what it took to finally break free. From being groomed to take over a family foundation to being emotionally cut off and financially abandoned, Wendy’s story is one of reclamation, creativity, and courage.
We explore the cost of generational people-pleasing, how trauma warps identity, and the deep healing required to live life on your own terms. Today, Wendy empowers women 45+ to see their true beauty through luxury portraiture—and helps them reconnect with their authentic selves.
✨ Topics we explore:
- What it’s like growing up with a narcissistic parent
- Financial control, golden handcuffs & emotional manipulation
- Reclaiming identity after decades of people-pleasing
- Healing through creativity, portraiture, and self-worth
- Inner child work, boundaries, and becoming your own nurturer
🛑 If you've ever felt trapped by guilt, stuck in silence, or unsure who you are without others’ approval—this episode is for you.
🎧 Listen to Part 1 with Wendy’s husband, therapist Shane Adamson, and stay tuned for Part 3 as they return together to share their healing journey as a couple.
🌿 Ready to take the first step from people pleaser to empowered?
Join my free community + sign up to be notified about my next live masterclass:
👉 5 Days to Start Saying No: The First Step from People Pleaser to Empowered
https://www.anitasandoval.com/masterclass
🔗 Connect with Wendy:
Website: https://www.wendyadamsonportrait.com
Instagram: @wendyadamsonphotography
📌 Binge-worthy episodes to listen before or after this one:
- People Pleasing & Appeasing – Part 1: Why We Do It
- Setting Loving Limits Without Guilt – Part 3
- Unmasking Manipulators & Becoming a Woman Empowered
- Breaking Free from People Pleasing During the Holidays
- The 12 Steps to Reclaim Your Power and Stop People Pleasing
📲 Follow, subscribe, and share this episode if it speaks to your heart—and remember:
You were never meant to be their puppet. You were meant to shine. 💫
Website: www.anitasandoval.com
Instagram: anita_sandoval
🎙️ Episode Transcript
Title: From People Pleaser to Empowered Woman: Wendy’s Story of Healing & Growth
Series: Empowered & Unfiltered (Part 2 of 3)
Podcast: Empowering Women in Conversations
Host: Anita Sandoval
Guest: Wendy Adamson
“What happens when a daughter finally says,
‘I won’t SACRIFICE myself for your love anymore’?”
What if the only way to find yourself… is to walk away from everything you were promised?”
Wendy Adamson: So I think she kept me between 10 and 18, and that is a way to control me because she can't control me at 40, so I have to be in this mentality of a little girl, which you never grow up and you never get your identity because you're trying to people please them
Anita: It was survival disguised as love.
It teaches you to over-function to please. Put others before your own needs
to silence your needs, just to keep the peace
Wendy Adamson: So I gave up the money and, but I've also given up 42 years of my life. Dedicated to my parents' foundation
She said, Wendy, I have to tell you, your mom [00:01:00] cut you out of the foundation permanently.
she yells at me and says, I'm cutting you out entirely. Wow. So she and I knew at that moment I was cut out of everything,
It's that pivotal moment and I'm like. No money in the world. Yeah. Is worth being controlled by another person.
"But what happens after the breaking point?
Can you really rebuild a life… when your identity was never fully your own?
How do you find your voice… when it’s been silenced for decades?
And is it ever too late… to become the woman you were always meant to be?"
Today’s guest, Wendy Adamson, knows this journey too well..."
Anita: so stay tuned. Because this episode is for you.
Welcome to Empowering Women in Conversations podcasts, to empower and uplift women by providing a safe space for them to share their stories [00:02:00] and experiences and encourage the strength, resilience, and power of women. If you are tired of putting others' needs before your own, leading to burnout and resentment, and you are ready to transform and create relationships that are supportive rather than draining, join us on this journey of women overcoming adversities and achieving their true empowerment.
Here's your host, a licensed professional counselor, Anita Sandoval.
Anita: Welcome back to Empowering Women in Conversations with me, your host, Anita Sandoval. And today is part two of a truly special series and if you caught part one, we spoke with the kind and supportive partner behind the scenes, Shane Adamson, and today.
We are going to hear from the woman whose story strength and creative brilliance are helping women reconnect with who they [00:03:00] really are. Wendy Adamson is the founder of Wendy Adamson Portrait, a luxury photography experience designed for women 45 and over, she captures the power, the resilience, and the unapologetic beauty of women who overcame so much, Wendy, welcome to the show.
I'm so honored to have you here. I'm so happy to be here. There's so much to share. I want our audience to know, 'cause they hear photography 45, oh my goodness. , , I see your work on your website, you talk to me about it and I'd love to start with your work and what inspired you to begin the
wendy Adamson Photography Studio.
Wendy Adamson: Oh, that is a question and it, , that is a, that is like my journey in a question. So, , I grew up with a mother that, , was a, , an international speaker. Mm-hmm. She was a motivational [00:04:00] speaker. She trained girls from Miss USA from from Texas , she had a winning streak of training that they won.
Texas won Miss USA in 85, 86, 87, 88 and 89. Wow. Which catapulted her new career into, , I. Empowering women from all that she learned helping these beauty queens win. Miss USA, it was like an internal, , love of self, love of God that. You could see in their eyes. I grew up watching her do this.
I was mesmerized by her, her beauty, her stature, the way she carried herself, and I wanted to emulate her. And always, I had parents that were very successful put together. And my dad had a construction, heavy construction business, and he would do roads in, , in California. And my parents were my [00:05:00] idols.
And as I, got older, I wanted to, to be like my mother. And she, , ended up having a camp for young girls for 23 years that I was the videographer and the photographer that I would go in and. I would take all the footage from the week and put it all together on, on Friday, but it was, it was this camp that young girls could come in and do service projects every day and at night.
We did all these fun activities like American idols and we would have, oh, I love that. Come in and they would sing and the girls would all have fun. But then the next day we're like taking, , the Boys and Girls Club and sitting on the floor and reading with them, and I would be videotaping it all. And, and then we would have special needs, , ladies come in and we'd have princess parties and, and then my mom had a camp.
For women, , called a new You, and that was held in [00:06:00] Hawaii that I would Wendy Adamsonfly out there and help her with, , teaching. I worked for Weight Watchers at the time, so I was teaching people about weight and, and eating well and taking care of yourself, and I would watch her, you know, motivating these women and everyone was so happy and I just was so excited to do this.
I was trained to take over the foundation and that's just, you know, I had kids and during the, the young time of raising my kids, that's when I was doing all the photography and videography in the summers. Okay. And I was just excited. And then, . Slowly things shifted we moved to Texas.
My mom moved with us. Okay. She got it home five minutes down the street. Wow. And I was finding that it, it's very interesting to look back everything that I did. Well, my mom wanted it. To elevate her, and I never really kind of [00:07:00] understood that, but as she moved to Texas, it got more intense that I don't want you to be a mother.
Your kids are resilient. Wow. Both can take care of themselves. You need to take care of me. I'm training you. Wow. You are going be running the foundation and this is how it goes. So I was giving up my entire life. For my parents and this vision that I had always wanted to be part of this family foundation.
My parents were very wealthy. I knew I didn't have to work in a regular sense and that I would be taking care of while I get to inspire women and help them. And it was just exciting, you know, however it landed. Yeah. Would be okay. Like, like financially, I would be okay. So I gave up my life for it and my mom, you know, at times would say, you owe me.
You, , you owe your dad and , I don't pay you. This is just like your calling, kind of like Prince Harry , wow. Royal family. This [00:08:00] is your calling and you do it. My, my parents were, , I grew up, I grew up Catholic and then we changed to Mormonism when I was 12 years old.
So I, we were a Mormon. I, I really enjoyed being. Mormon, like as a kid, it was really family friendly and it was just a great experience for me. But as we got into this thing, I started like noticing the, the pageantry, , kind of going back to the 1984 Footloose movie.
Yeah. That she walks in and he's doing the big. String on the stage. Wow. I started noticing the pageantry and, and like I would be videotaping, she's like, I need for you to be six o'clock in the morning, videotaping me. 'cause I need to have this all on video for a posterity and later and you can show this later on when you are running the foundation.
So I'm like, okay. You know, I was starting to just clue in on things. We had a [00:09:00] fight in Hawaii once that I said, you know, everybody else gets lays. Like, like Hawaiian floral lays. You, you gave them to everybody, but not to me. Mm-hmm. And everyone got to go to this special banquet and why didn't I get invited?
Mm-hmm. And that was a big fight that she said, everything's all about you. I did everything for you. And she turned into like this, like witchy. I'm like. Woo. I'm like, I didn't ask for that. I just wanted a flower lay to get invited and it,
Anita: it just, all these things were like starting to come together. I love how you said that because you know some of the patterns for narcissistic mothers and characteristics, I mean, that was huge.
What you unloaded there was so much there. One. Lack of empathy. You know, they're minimizing, dismissing your feelings, wanting that lay, , controlling and manipulative behavior, wanting to control you instead of you going into your vision of what you want. And no, you have to do what [00:10:00] I want and what I told you, you know, I brought you into this world so you could become what I want you to become.
And then the conditional love and approval, like if you have to perform and do what I say in order to get my approval in love. And the other one, competitiveness with your own children and you know, is that dynamic of wanting to compete. And you know, one of the biggest characteristics too is the need for control over image and Wow.
Just in that conversation. In the image of their children. Yes. Because it's a part of an extension of them. Absolutely. You know, that's crazy because, I mean. It's literally, you mentioned in that one story, several characteristics of what embodies a narcissistic mother.
Wendy Adamson: I was
Anita: little,
Wendy Adamson: Iwould have to dress up fully to go on an airplane.
Like everything was perfect. Perfect, perfect, perfect. Wow. Yeah. That's just my, my world growing up
Anita: How old were you when it [00:11:00] started? You said, you know what? I'm going to venture off from what my mother wants.
Wendy Adamson: So, so then I'm, I'm like in Hawaii and, and she's coming out here and, , we're starting to see problems with, I can't parent because she needs for me to do counselor videos for her. And when she flew into Texas, like her house was five miles down the street, but she lived somewhere else.
And you have to think she has lots of money so she can like do whatever she wants. So when she flies in. I have to make sure all the lights are on, the fountain is going, the music is going, all of her food is in the refrigerator, everything's perfect, and I have to be there for her. So when my husband says, , oh, where are you?
My mom calls. I'm out the door and down the street, because I know if I don't do it correctly, something bad will happen. Mm-hmm. Even though. You don't know and you don't wanna poke the bear, but deep inside you feel it. And there was something that you said earlier [00:12:00] that made me think of something. My mom conditioned me that I could never be older than about 18 years old.
So I think she kept me between 10 and 18, and that is a way to control me if I'm 40. That's, that is unacceptable because she can't control me at 40, so I have to be in this mentality of a little girl, which you never grow up and you never get your identity because you're trying to people please them. I.
You said how this happened. I didn't choose this, but my mom like, okay. So my husband writes her a letter and says, Barbara, this is unacceptable. Wendy needs to be a mother. You are. She's scared of you. , and my mom. So Shane says, I wrote this letter and I went, Ugh. Oh my gosh. If my mom reads this letter, it's death.
So I called her up and I'm like, mom, do not read the letter. Which of course, to a narcissist, they be lying. Of course. Yeah. And I'm [00:13:00] rushing in my car to get over there, and she read the letter and she's like, you're not scared of me. And I'm like, I can't say that I'm scared of her, you know? Yeah. Oh no, I'm not.
Oh, he must be off his rocker when he wrote that or that, because I'm playing sides. I'm trying to Yeah, you're people pleasing. Yes. I'm trying to like be accepted by Shane and her and I just don't know how to handle it. So she's like, yes, you must divorce him. And so she goes into this whole thing of like finding an attorney and, and saying, you know, Wendy is, Shane is too controlling.
, , with that letter, , it, it has a couple twists and turns, but she hires a psychiatrist friend to fly out to Texas.
Wow. And she sits down with me and says, Wendy, you cannot. Play two sides. Yes, you have to pick your mother or you pick Shane, your husband, but you can't have both sides. So you need to pick one right now. What is it? And I'm like. Shame because I would do anything to let [00:14:00] go of the control of my mother.
I didn't realize in that period of time that it would, that decision would change my life forever. In such a good way now, but in such a scary way then that, , and to put me in a position like that, looking back at it, I'm like, you can't say that to somebody. But, so I walk down the stairs and my mom's like, what is your.
Decision like she knew and I said, I'm going back with Shane, and she looks at me and screams at the top of her lungs. she yells at me and says, I'm cutting you out entirely. Wow. So she and I knew at that moment I was cut out of everything, the money and my parents have a lot of money.
So it, it's, it's that pivotal moment and I'm like. Wow. No money in the world. Yeah. Is worth being controlled [00:15:00] by another person. Mm-hmm. Like even looking at the Declaration of Independence.
Anita: Yes. Yeah.
Wendy Adamson: You cannot control another person and being in a narcissistic relationship, especially your mother that you love.
Mm-hmm. ,
Anita: Like I was a slave. Yeah, she was supposed to be the nurturer. She was supposed to be allowing you to shine and break free and be authentically you, but instead she used you as a puppet to do. What she wanted without consideration that you were your own person and that was so erosion
Wendy Adamson: to you.
That's what they don't allow. And that's, that's the pivotal moment that I said I can't, you know, I, I'm moving on. And that was the frozen song, yes. Elsa. Yeah. I would listen over and over and over like. I'm building my strength and I've got, I mean, I [00:16:00] have a dragon now that I just unleashed.
Yeah. You know, as a little child, you know that you're not supposed to, you're not supposed to swing the, the, the mobile. Yeah. And my, my brother said. There's consequences for your actions. Wendy I said, you know what, John?
There's also consequences for yours. And Oh
Anita: yes. It's like having golden handcuffs. Yep.
Wendy Adamson: It's the sibling. my mom after the, I'm cutting you out entirely. She sat me down at the kitchen table and she said, you are gonna die. And how much money I spend on your brother. I. She did that for 13 years to get me back.
And they would go on lavish trips with monkeys and post it on Facebook. Everything was
Anita: like, I'm getting you. Yeah. She was emotionally manipulating you to have you suffer for not doing what she wanted. Yep. Wow. And I had to just rise above it, .
Wendy Adamson: It's, it's been a journey, so
Anita: You figured out, you know what?
I can't, this isn't healthy for me. I'm breaking free [00:17:00] unc, but uncuffed, that golden handcuffs
Wendy Adamson: you know, when I first said that. I never had to worry about anything financially. Yeah. As I was going to take over my parents' foundation. Yeah. And I gave them my entire life to do that. Yeah. Well, where are you when you wake up and realize it's kind of like in Wicked when Alphabet goes?
I'm thinking Christian Wick, but the, the character of Galinda says you can go back and she's like. You can have everything you've always wanted. And she's like, I know, but I, I can't. Yeah, I can't do it anymore. 'cause you wake up and it's like, I couldn't go back because of what I knew at that moment or this period of time.
So I gave up the money and, but I've also given up 42 years of my life. Dedicated to my parents' foundation. And , [00:18:00] ironically the name of the foundation is, well, my mother, , family foundation., it's a family foundation, I still had 13 years that she was very present in my life trying to hoover me back in. Okay. Constantly trying to get me back in. And, , so 13 years has gone by and my mom got dementia. And, , . Picture the me slaying the dragon. I'm like having to rise up.
You know, I, in the midst of all this, I had a 12-year-old daughter that tried to, to take her own life, probably because I was so broken as a human. , when my mom cut me out that I wasn't present for her because I was a shell of myself. I How old were you when you broke up from your mother? 40, 42 years old.
Was that 42? I'm 55 now, so 42 was, I'm going to wait until you see how much money I spend on your brother and your life is [00:19:00] over at this point. This whole journey of how do I make money? Okay. So there's another, there's another deep problem with this and my mother.
Put into my brain, you cannot survive without me and my money, you will never survive without me and my money. And that was deeply programmed in me. So shame, hence the people pleasing. 'cause people pleasing is a survival. Mm-hmm. Wow. Oh yeah. As a little girl, it's like, , your needs are being met. You are not validated.
So how do you get validation in your life? Oh, all of a sudden, if you like people, please, , then. The doors open up and I got the love,
Anita: and I got the, the money to make sure you're comfortable and survive. 'cause we need at least some basic money to survive. I, I was looking at
Wendy Adamson: a video, an old video of me at three years old, so this is 1973 or 74.
I'm handing my mom a flower and it's [00:20:00] videotaped. In 1973, like who has a radio recorder back then And she's, she's filming me, so I'm guessing maybe she even like, okay, let's stage this.
Anita: That was the past of social media of, , you know how some families are like, let's record every single little thing and those happy moments back then you don't, yeah.
You have video cameras. Well, she did, you know, to post. And, and you don't know what's behind the scenes of what the cameras say. Yeah. So 42, you had to technically divorce your mother. Cut out of the will. I don't know how I'm gonna make money now and then, and I have
Wendy Adamson: lots of blocks with it. Like lots of blocks emotionally, like in my head, I am not like.
My programming is you can't make money without your mom. Oh. And you can't, you're not allowed to. So it's like 13 years of me trying and trying, and [00:21:00] I am, I was a cosmetologist for 30 years and even like going back into trying to go back to work, it's like my body wouldn't allow it. Wow. So there's this, , part of my healing journey is.
I always felt like the end of my healing journey is, can I make money? You know? Wow. Like, I don't know if I can, so, , you know, as my mom. Finally, this was the straw. It was my journey is just, just beginning, actually even after 13 years of healing. My mom, last October, I visited her for her birthday and, , I, I was really excited.
I had been, , studying portrait photography for three years and I was coming up with this group. Amazing concept of helping and empowering women. 45 plus. Yes. And I was like, oh my gosh, mom, this is amazing. And you gotta think. She's like, not, she's not in control of her life anymore.
I'm [00:22:00] cut out of everything there. Medical, everything. But, , I was talking to her about it and I was like, oh my gosh, mom, I'm really excited that there is a way that I could come back and work. , not for the foundation, but just be like even sponsored by the foundation. Yeah.
Would have access to so many more people and. Then to help women 45 plus all she has now is her camp for, for young girls. So I was like, we could go back to the Hawaii days of helping women, , who are, you know, 50 and , to a hundred. The Hawaii program was 18 to a hundred. Got it. So I was like, oh my gosh, this is great.
And my mom and dementia was like, oh, okay, well let me, you know, she's the CEO. Tell me all the stuff and. But when I talked to her, , her, like the person that is her, that took my job basically, , and she, she runs the camps now. She said, Wendy, I have to tell you, your mom cut you [00:23:00] out of the foundation permanently.
So before she hit dementia, it was probably five years prior with all of our dys like stuff, she, , completely cut me out so I could never touch it again. And it was so painful because it was my, it was the legacy of my father. It was the legacy of my life. So it's like, what do I do now? I'm moving forward.
It was, , ageless and empowered my passion from everything that I've gone through. And seeing my mom is helping women to feel beautiful inside, outside. I think looking at yourself in an image, like I had a photographer, , Emily London, who is just fabulous.
I just have loved her, looked up to her. She said, I'd really like to do a session with you. And I said, I really lack confidence. And , I'd love to see an image [00:24:00] of me super confident. Yeah, and she took the most amazing image that I can look at that image and go, wow, there it is.
Anita: Wow.
Wendy Adamson: There, there, there is.
My, I've always been very confident, but even my mom's, , power of attorney says, I think your mom is jealous of you. And it's, it's starting to come in that I don't think, I don't think she ever intended for me ever to take over the foundation. I think it was all smoke and mirrors just to keep me small in that box of 10 to 18.
Anita: So I would never pass her up. Because they were competitive and for them it's only them. And so the fact that no matter what, you weren't gonna get anything. You said, you know what? I need to find my confidence. And so taking that one picture, that one moment when you're like, oh my God, I just saw myself, me.
That isn't an extension of my mother, but just Wendy. No, I mean my identity. And [00:25:00] it's like, yes.
Wendy Adamson: I'm rising up and there was a book, , that my friend told me to read. , it was called, love Money. Money Loves You. Mm-hmm. And it was a really powerful book of, of money talking to me saying, you know, I want you to have good things.
And it was almost like God was saying, you know, it's okay to, it's okay to Money isn't evil because for me, money has. It equals love, and it has been very evil for me. My mom has used it against it. Yeah. So I almost hated the thought of it. Yeah. So this, this book really like, I Love You and money's talking to me saying it's okay, and I want a.
Lots of amazing experiences for you. And so I'm like, you know, money doesn't have to be scary. Yeah. I can make money to help people and I have this, like, I would love to have a, like even a 5 0 1 C3 where we're going [00:26:00] into, , elderly old folks homes, kind of how my mom would do all those charity projects with the, yeah.
Teenagers and like do glamor portraits for them. Mm-hmm. You know, and have that Yes. Or like take on. , yeah. I just have so many ideas in my head of everything that I grew up with, you know, I love
Anita: that. I love that. And take it
Wendy Adamson: for good, but I. Yeah, I, I would love to just empower women through an image. Yes.
And them to see their true potential and who they are. And if they're struggling with confidence, or maybe they're not, maybe they're just like, I just am amazing and I wanna see in the pictures so posterity can see it. I'm all about legacy and, and lead park on the world,
Anita: . Can you share with me one of the most powerful moments where your confidence of authenticity and empowerment and your vision of legacy?
Wendy Adamson: So I go in, , networking, trying to push myself to adult, and I go into [00:27:00] networking and there's a lady and I said, you know, I'd love to gift you 10 images. If you could come into the studio and she, but she was a therapist and she says, my brand is, . Vibrant voice. Okay. And I want be a queen. And I love, oh
Anita: my God, yes.
Wendy Adamson: I love the, , the analogy of a queen, you know, growing up, kind of what I was doing growing up, you know, , that eventually I was gonna be a queen, which I probably would've ended up like my mom, which is good that I wasn't that Oh, I love this, you the authentic you. So, yes. Yeah. So, , I created, oh, I love to create.
And so we created a queen out. I see. For her, out of fabric. And actually that was a very empowering, ,
Anita: when you go to wendy adamson portrait.com I see it and I'm just like. Wow. Reveal the masterpiece within. And she was like, oh, whoa.
Wendy Adamson: You [00:28:00] know? Yes. I didn't think these were gonna be that good. But yeah. So you can see like the power within you and with, with coming up with people coming into my studio, and yes, I wanna see myself as this. I, I, I have to tell you my, my, like. My culminating, , healing journey was through a 5 0 1 C3 called Green Shoe.
Okay. That I was able to go there and, and learn three really important things in healing in my healing journey. How in survival as a trauma victim, we are in our adaptive teen mode and our little child mode. Okay. So it's either our little child of like, I'm little and I don't feel safe or adaptive.
Teen is kind of like snarky and I'm like, I am gonna do whatever I want. And then taking your. Functional [00:29:00] adult. Yeah. And parenting those two. So that was my aha moment of. Oh, whoa. I have been living as an adaptive teen, as a victim. Like I, this was not my decision. I didn't wanna have to do this. Why do I have to heal?
Why do I have to work? I had everything set up, you know, it's this snarky and then the little girl of like, I'm so scared. Yeah. I'm like, never be able to make money and to like, you guys can't see, but I have like little puppets and then my. Functional adult is loving on them saying it's okay. Yes. And my functional adult is the confidence of we've got this Yes.
And we are gonna be okay. Yes. And can be 55. Yes. And we can learn to adult. Yes. And it was interesting that this, this Green Shoe Foundation has adults [00:30:00] coming in every single week. So it just shows you that a lot of us. Aren't parenting ourselves yet. Yes,
Anita: yes.
Wendy Adamson: This is still in these little, these little characters in the sandbox that we need to realize that there is.
That quiet, confident, very reassuring voice inside of us that is our functional adult that has all the questions. Ah, and whether it's God mixed in with that. It is God and, and my functional adult. That I view as a whole kind of helping me and guiding me along with, you know, my father died 20 years ago and my ancestor, my grandmother is like my hero.
, she raised me while my mom was trying to find money. She raised me for five months and gave me the most amazing childhood, like in that little five month
Anita: [00:31:00] window. Yeah. She was the nurturer, she was the nurturer for you that you didn't get whenever you were with your mother. And you connected with them.
My ancestors, I feel like they're guiding me, so I love that. You know, I love how you were able to connect. How does people pleasing connect with unresolved trauma? You work on the parts of self that was traumatized and you learn with the healthy self to reparent that part. And yes, is it fair? No. But it is your responsibility to learn, grow, change, heal, because after all, aren't you worth it?
And, you know, you just showed I am so worthy of healing, I'm going to repair myself because healing is so much worthy of living this life than still living in a controlled environment with a narcissistic parent
Wendy Adamson: being in that whole narcissistic, , like, like I, people pleasing and you're not taking care of yourself and, and waking up from that and going, wow, I can [00:32:00] self care.
I'm like. Really excited to brush and floss my teeth morning and night. And like on my phone, I have this saying on my phone and it says, do something today that your future self will thank you for. Oh
Anita: my gosh, yes. Say it again. Say it again. I want, I want my audience to hear it.
Wendy Adamson: Do something today that your future self will thank you for.
So we're always people pleasing and we're not taking care of ourselves because we're trying to get validation and love from other people. And we don't wanna, like, if we think about ourselves like then we might lose the love that we're working so hard to get. But then when you allow yourself just to say.
I can put me first kind of like a, kind of like being on an airplane and they, and the flight attendant gives you the oxygen mask that you have to like take your own oxygen before you can help other people. Yes. It's like slow down. Yes. And we can take, we can take care of ourself and I [00:33:00] love how they say selfish is not self it, it's like you're taking care of yourself first.
Selfless. Yes. Yes. I'm brushing my teeth and I'm like. Putting on sunscreen now. I love that. To watch my mom wear wear hats all the time. I mean, she was on vogue, the cover, she was in Vogue once. Mm-hmm. My mother was on Vogue, but she always wore hats, but she never told me like to wear sunscreen. Yeah. She always wrote thank you notes.
She never told me to write thank you notes. Yeah. So it's like I can adult and I can take care
Anita: of me. So. I love that. You know, and then having a narcissistic parent, and I know, 'cause I suffer this a lot, , I was left home alone. My mom would do whatever she wanted to do, go out, be with the men, , and I had to take care of my siblings.
So I was stripped away of my childhood. My siblings hated me 'cause I had to be the You were? Yeah. And that wasn't my role. I resented. You know, that role, but we had to survive,
Wendy Adamson: right? And
Anita: so even if [00:34:00] I tried, well, how dare you not be here, I would get guilted. And so, you know, now being an adult, so you being guilted by your mom in every which way, and as you said, it gets conditioned in the body.
, how does guilt. Trap a woman in these self-sacrificing roles, now that we're moms mom, guilt, we have to sacrifice ourselves for our children and, when do we start putting us first? From your experience, how does guilt trap women in these self-sacrificing roles?
Wendy Adamson: How does Guilt Trap trap us in self-sacrificing roles? Is that Yes, you're asking. Okay. Well, I had written out as something like this just came to my mind. , How does guilt trap us in my situation, I.
I had to ask myself, what do I have to gain? What would, what would I lose if I left? Mm-hmm. Like those [00:35:00] were the things inside that kept me in those self-sacrificing roles, and those were the answers that trapped me and. You have to be willing and brave to shatter the glass walls, and you have to be willing to lose everything.
Ah, so I have this metaphor that it's like. You feel trapped and you know that you are, and it's like, what do you do? I took a sledgehammer and I just didn't care, and I just smashed every wall around me. So it's. Ooh. It's, that's a tough one when you think,
Anita: yeah, guilt is something, guilt and shame. Just those two emotions, you know, like, shame on you for putting you first and you should feel guilty.
How dare you? You know, and I love the metaphor that you said, you, you have to,
Wendy Adamson: you have to be willing to love yourself and, [00:36:00] and love yourself. Enough to take care of yourself and, and not allow the outside voices. Oh, okay. So I have, , I have this, this saying that I have in my head all the time of my top five values.
Okay. , personal growth and spiritual awareness. Trusting myself, feeling safe with myself. Yeah. Being of service and then becoming personally and financially responsible. And this is a big one, detaching from the needs and opinions of others. And like everything I do in my life, I, I think of those values and I go, okay, you know, am I being personally responsible?
Am I being of service, but detaching from the needs and opinions of others? Ooh. It's tough. It's tough.
Anita: Now not only do you have your, your mother there, you know, but you also have society and programming and we have all these things. And you know, this season my daughter was looking for bathing suits.
She's [00:37:00] 15, by the way, going on 16. And she goes, mother, the bikini bottoms are getting shorter and shorter. They used to be, you know, they used to have like more to cover the booty. And she's like, mom, it's like, no, and it's, and and I was like, why don't they make the men like that? The men have their, you know, briefs or trunks and, and why are they doing this with women?
I don't like it. And I go, I know honey, that society programming and I, I. Thank you for acknowledging that and you don't have to put up with that. We are going to find something. So, yeah. You know what I
Wendy Adamson: love is like, like coming up with your own identity is. I like vintage and I'm gonna wear this cute vintage, you know, Marilyn Monroe kind of thing.
I love creating identity that we don't have to be like everyone else. And it's
Anita: okay. Yes,
Wendy Adamson: yes.
Anita: And it starts when you're small and unfortunately, I didn't have that. You didn't have that. [00:38:00] But this is where, you know, the little kids. They're wanting to wear cowboy boots with their ballet outfit, my, my 7-year-old and because I didn't have that and so I want them to find their identity.
I don't care what age she was gonna have a, a crown and she's like, I'm gonna wear my boss suit. She's into suits. And I think she gets that from me 'cause I love suits, but she's picking her. He likes to be empowered and he is my baby. And I was like, you wanna wear your boss suit? Wear your boss suit,
and so she wore her black suit, red tie, and she's walking in confidently doing her crown, and the other ones too. She wants to wear two braids and just there for her, top hair and I was like, fine. The other one wants to do her own thing, make her own clothes, go for it, but it starts when you're small and then when parents go, no, you can't wear that 'cause we have to go to the party and or we have to be looking like this.
, do whatever you want. I don't care. There are some [00:39:00] non-negotiables. I tell them, let's negotiate. , you do need to wear shoes, but let's see what shoes we can negotiate. So this is where, we work on that. We still acknowledge them, but also they know that we need to follow some guidelines.
. Yeah. Yeah.
Wendy Adamson: I think it's so neat, , that this new generation has, I mean, we didn't have the social media to learn about narcissism or people pleasing or anything like that. Yeah. But they, they are learning it. We're all on TikTok learning it, and everyone's learning it, but we. Even as adult parents, we can parent our kids better and, and let them grow and be amazing humans and yeah.
We're escaping and paving
Anita: the new generation hopefully. God willing. Yes. So I love your journey. It's like, okay, I was. I was controlled, manipulated, gaslighted. I became aware of it. I decided no more enough. I'm healing and finding myself. [00:40:00] What helped you begin setting boundaries after.
All of this
Wendy Adamson: boundaries has been very interesting. , I've learned a lot through, , Brene Brown, but, Hmm, I love Brene Brown. Yeah, she's, she's, she's been amazing work. My best metaphor for a boundary that really helps me. Okay. And I had a therapist, , have me think this up. Is. You're sitting in your beautiful garden and there's like an 18 foot fence around. Yeah. And you get to sit in your garden and make it as beautiful as possible.
So I have like little waterways and, you know, beautiful flowers. It's, it's your imagination. So you can go wild and then there is a big door. And then that door is you can allow people in or out. And that is your. That's your, your thing. You know, when I was at Greens shoe, I, , it was a, it [00:41:00] was a place for me to tell my mom that what she did was wrong for, was wrong.
It was shameful and it, I'm not taking on what she did. Yeah. But, and I said, you know, it's very hard as an adult to walk away from my mother. And she's cut me outta medical directive and I have no, like, there's nothing on paper that I can even do. Yeah. So I'm like, can I walk away? And they said, absolutely.
And that's, that's a weird boundary. Yeah. A very weird boundary. So there are boundaries of, of like doing nice things for people. You know, I recently, , had a friend come in and I said, I wanna help you with posing. And so I'm helping her with posing and I'm noticing on social media, all of her content, and I'm like, oh boy, she looks like me.
And, , I'm thinking. What is the boundary here? Yeah. Do I [00:42:00] have to give everything to everybody? I don't. No, you don't. You know, you need to listen to that little voice inside of your head. Yes. When it says, maybe you shouldn't have done that, and let's learn from that and let, let's like next time. You don't have to help everybody.
Anita: Yes, just 'cause you can doesn't mean you should. And there, there
Wendy Adamson: is that parenting,
Anita: you know that little, yes. Compassion and love and you are doing that to yourself. I love that. And working and learning and growing and setting boundaries and that's really what it is. Yeah. What message would you share with women who are still struggling, uh, kind of teeter tottering, they're in the middle, not quite there yet, not yet becoming who they are, but they know something is up and wrong.
What message would you wanna share with them?
Wendy Adamson: My biggest takeaway and the thing that has made me heal the most is, , meditation. Mm. And you know, when I first started [00:43:00] meditation it was, , Oprah Winfrey just saying something about meditation, and I sat down and I just thought it was the craziest, weirdest thing ever.
And I am like, I can't do this 13 years later.
Anita: Wow.
Wendy Adamson: Meditate every single day. And I've gotten up to like two hours. So it is a, it is definitely a muscle. Mm-hmm. And. All it is, there is no woo woo hype, whatever. All it is, is, is slowing your brain down. And even if you can sit for three minutes and just concentrate on breathing in and out, what it's doing every single day, you're building that muscle that when that person comes at you and you normally flare up.
When you're doing a constant meditative practice, it gives you a split second. You can slow down, [00:44:00] observe what is happening before you act out. And the more I have meditated, the more that has become a superpower. And there's one other, there's one other thing that has really helped me. Being a trauma survivor, I'm a big humongous empath and I feel the emotions of everyone.
And I read a book once that you need to. Imagine your inner core is like a tower,
Anita: okay?
Wendy Adamson: And you imagine inside all these doors that are normally open shut and inside you hear them going and it goes all the way up your body and you, that is almost like a meditative practice to practice putting up that shield.
Yeah. And if you do that daily. You would get into a situation where a husband or a kid, I mean my kids used to yell at me and trigger me that if you are imagining those walls shutting and all the doors and you are [00:45:00] just safe inside in this like pillar of light, of peace and happiness, it really, , the more you do that, you will get very strong in those.
I love how you
Anita: said that. Resilience is a mental muscle. Just like going to the gym. You don't use it, you lose it. Yep. So practice that. Mental muscle. I love
Wendy Adamson: that. Same with your boundary inside. Yes. Purple garden practice. Not opening the door and like stepping and waiting and saying, is this, is this gonna help me hurt me?
And it's not selfish to say no. It's loving to say no sometimes. Yeah. Yourself? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, there's one other book. The mastery of self love by Oh yes,
Anita: Miguel Ru Ru. Yes. Dominic, Miguel Ru. Yes. Yes, definitely. And the, , the four agreements. So yes. And four agreements. Yes. , you know, Wendy, your work has been truly a gift.
For anyone listening who feels moved by your story and wants to connect with you, where can they find your work and how [00:46:00] can they become a part of your community?
Wendy Adamson: Oh, you know, , right now I'm Wendy Adamson portrait. You can always message me there. .
Follow me on Wendy Adamson portrait and, , at Instagram at Wendy Adamson Photography. Wendy Adamson portrait.
Anita: Love that. I always like to close with two questions 'cause I love to hear from my guests. , what is your personal definition of an empowered woman? Wow,
Wendy Adamson: What is the definition of what an empowered woman is?
Oh my gosh, that is such a question. Wow, my perfectionist kicks in. ' Cause I would wanna say being true to yourself Yes. Yes. In boundaries.
Wendy Adamson: It's, it's self-care. It's, , detaching from the needs and opinions of others. It's, , no matter. No matter what anybody else says does that you are true to [00:47:00] yourself.
It's the empowered woman. Oh, is parenting your, your adaptive teen in your little child. That's an empowered woman to like, to, to being a giraffe of, of is my power animal to rise above the situation. Yes. And be above the trees and see everything, observe it and kind of take things slowly, not reactive.
Yeah. That there's layers to being an empowered woman,
Anita: That was beautiful. Let's imagine. In the future, everything about who you are, your work, your story, your legacy has been lost due to unforeseen, uncontrollable circumstances, but.
Three generations from now. A single handwritten letter is discovered by young woman in your family line, a great, great, great granddaughter or grandniece, and it's the only piece of you that remains. What message of truth, [00:48:00] strength, guidance would you leave in that letter to help her and the women who come after her?
Further progress of women empowering themselves and other women in your family
Wendy Adamson: wow, that's really powerful. Wow. I would say be true to yourself to, to make sure that putting yourself first and. Cultivating, , your own identity is, is very important. So you have a strong sense of self. 'cause once you are. You have strength in yourself and you love yourself, then you are more powerful to help the world. And no matter if people are tearing you down, if you have self-love for yourself, you won't have to worry about anybody [00:49:00] else, and you'll realize that that is their problem and not your problem.
You. Are loved by you, by God, by the universe, by whatever you wanna call it. And you, uh, once you do that, you, you have so much good and love to give to the world. And that is the most important thing I love. That, is to love others. To love yourself. Yes. To love your family, and to love your past legacy. Yes.
That we're all rooting you on.
Anita: Oh my God, I love that. That was so beautiful.
Next podcast, episode part three, both of you together.
Thank
you for being here with us and for showing us what it means to just rise from the pain and, , into purpose and to use your voice and your vision to lift other women up. And to all of you listening, remember your deserve to reconnect with your radiant self.
And just like Wendy says, your story deserves to be celebrated.
Next episode [00:50:00] we bring all together, joining us, part three, where Wendy and her husband Shane, return together to talk about healing, love, supporting each other's growth through the journey of authenticity and empowerment.
And until next time,
No name: thanks for listening to Empowering Women in Conversations. This conversation has ended, but your journey to empowerment continues. Please share with someone you know who will find this conversation helpful and inspiring. And don't forget to subscribe so you don't miss an episode. Until our next Empowered Conversation with your host, licensed professional counselor, Anita Sandoval, and remember.
We are brave, we are strong, we are compassionate. We are women empowered. Go out there and claim your power. I.