Stop Waiting to Be Chosen (Part 2): The Confidence Shift That Changes Everything

🎙 Stop Waiting to Be Chosen (Part 2): The Confidence Shift That Changes Everything | with Julie DeLucca-Collins

What if confidence wasn't something you found...

...but something you built?

In Part 2 of this empowering conversation, I sit down with Julie DeLucca-Collins to explore what it really means to stop waiting for validation and start choosing yourself.

Together, we talk about identity, self-worth, community, tiny habits, and why confidence isn't about being fearless—it's about taking one small step forward, even when it's uncomfortable.

If you've ever questioned your worth, felt behind in life, or wondered if it's too late to start over, this episode is for you.

💛 In This Episode, We Discuss:

✨ Why nobody else gets to define who you are

✨ How to stop abandoning yourself to earn acceptance

✨ The power of community and "believing mirrors"

✨ Why tiny habits create lasting confidence

✨ How celebrating small wins rewires your brain

✨ Learning to give yourself grace instead of criticism

✨ Why your past doesn't determine your future

✨ One simple practice that helps you stay connected to your values and purpose

🎧 Connect with Our Guest

Julie DeLucca-Collins is a TEDx Speaker, bestselling author, business strategist, and Certified Tiny Habits Coach who helps women build confidence, create meaningful businesses, and lead with purpose. Through coaching, speaking, and podcasting, she empowers women to stop playing small and confidently step into the lives they're meant to live. 

🌐 Learn more:
 Go Confidently Coaching

Follow Julie:

• Instagram: @julie_deluccacollins

• LinkedIn: Julie DeLucca-Collins

• YouTube: @JulieDeLuccaCollins

🎙 Listen to Julie's podcast:
 Casa De Confidence — inspiring conversations on confidence, leadership, and personal growth. 

🎁 FREE Confidence Reset Guide

Ready to stop waiting to feel confident?

Download my FREE Confidence Reset Guide and take your first small step toward radical self-trust.

💜 https://www.anitasandoval.com/the-confidence-reset

🎙 Love This Conversation?

Be sure to explore previous episodes of Empowering Women in Conversations, where we discuss:

• Healing from people-pleasing

• Building healthy boundaries

• Recovering from toxic relationships

• Trauma recovery

• Identity and self-worth

• Confidence and emotional healing

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Remember...

You don't have to be chosen.

You can choose yourself. 💜

Transcript

Stop Waiting to Be Chosen (Part 2): The Confidence Shift That Changes Everything

[00:00:00] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Yeah. That's right. That's my identity. Mm-hmm. And I'm an advocate 'cause before- Yeah ... for women they would call me arrogant. They would call me, the B word. They would call me- Mm-hmm ... difficult and I didn't know that meant advocate . 

[00:00:15] Julie DeLucca-Collins: Yeah. So. Right, right. I know. And, and I think that again we're giving meaning to words.

[00:00:21] I, I just watched... It's, it's interesting we're having this conversation. I just watched the musical Suffs- Oh ... about the suffragists and I've been wanting to see it for a long time. Okay. And for whatever reason, you know, um, I, I, I didn't get to see it in the city and I... It's, it's... I'm not, you know, being dramatic when I say that I cried during the last portion of it because I just thought, there's a song in there, and I don't remember what it is, but it, it's called, you know, Be a B-I-T-C-H, right?

[00:00:53] Mm-hmm. And we make that word to mean such a negative [00:01:00] thing- Mm-hmm ... in our language. Mm-hmm. And, you know, sure, it's, it, and it's basically to criticize, to find fault, to badmouth someone, to rubbish, displa- displa- displesure. Yeah. But ultimately, right? Yeah. The thing is it's a word- Yeah ... and it's the meaning that we are assigning to it.

[00:01:23] Mm-hmm. And it's a derogatory slang term. Yeah. But what if we said, "You know what? Yeah, sure, I'm a bitch." Yeah. "Call me that. I don't care." Yeah. This is- Yeah ... if that's in your definition- Yeah ... what standing up for myself means, what saying what I believe, what doing what I think it's right, that makes me that, fine.

[00:01:40] Yeah. Be it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And take away somebody else's definition. And words won't hurt you unless you allow them to- Mm ... give, to define you. Yeah. But if you learn to define yourself... And by the way, it doesn't mean that when someone doesn't call me a name, I don't, you know. Yeah. It takes me a minute. I'm like, "Uh, [00:02:00] huh."

[00:02:00] Yeah. And then I think, you know what? If that's what you wanna call me because that's your definition of it, and, and I know that in my heart of hearts that I am being strong, I am being an advocate, I am being, you know, whatever it is that I'm doing, and that to you is negative, then you're not my person.

[00:02:16] Yeah. 

[00:02:16] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Yes. You are 

[00:02:18] Julie DeLucca-Collins: not my person. 

[00:02:20] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Oof. 

[00:02:20] Julie DeLucca-Collins: I will find the people that define what I am doing in the same way I define it, and are my friends, my supporters- Yeah ... and the people that will cheer me on- Yeah ... while you are putting impediments in my path. 

[00:02:35] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Mm. Let's talk about that transition- Mm-hmm ... because this is where I feel coaching comes in, counseling, or support system, or community.

[00:02:43] Yeah. Because w- that happened to me. I, I, I thought I had it all figured out, you know, healthy relationships, unhealthy, and then I forgot that friendships- Mm ... were relationships. 

[00:02:54] Speaker 4: Yeah. Yeah. 

[00:02:54] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: And I needed to now kind of detangle that and go like- Mm-hmm ... "Oh, these are not the [00:03:00] women I need to be around, that- No

[00:03:02] talk behind each other's back- No ... and, you know- Mm-hmm ... put each other down. That was just a joke. It's still an insult. It's- Mm-hmm. I don't care if you call it a joke, it's still a put-down. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And so I was shedding my friends like crazy, and then I was alone. Mm-hmm. And it was so lonely. And I'm like, "No, I'm going to start doing new hobbies, new activities, and this time I'm going to, you know, look at different types of people.

[00:03:27] If it happens, it happens. If not, not." But it was so lonely. Um- Mm-hmm ... what, what do you recommend in this part? Like, how important is the coaching, the community, the support system when you're in this j- Part of the transition 

[00:03:39] Julie DeLucca-Collins: Well, you know, I, I, I think that, you know, I go back to the example of, um, something that my high school youth minister said to us- Mm-hmm

[00:03:48] about community, and it has always stayed with me. And when you're making a fire and, you know, if you're using coals, if the coals stay together, [00:04:00] they're warm, but as soon as a coal kind of falls to the side, it ends up burning out, and I think that that's exactly what happens for all of us. Mm. We can start very hot, very strong, but as soon as we're outside a community, we are going to burn out.

[00:04:17] We are going to lose the spark. We're lo- going to lose our warmth. And the thing is that community, you know, we are social beings. We are meant- Yeah ... to be in community. There's a study, and, and I don't remember the name of the study off the top of my head- Yeah ... but it's a study that talks about how loneliness, it's one of the reasons that most people are dying, and it's a biggest cause of early death, more so than smoking.

[00:04:45] Can we, can we really, like, afford to lose life because we feel alone, because we're, we think we are the only one? You know, isn't it great when we find our people, and when all of a sudden we walk [00:05:00] into a room, we're like, "Oh, these are my people. Oh, you feel like that, too? Okay, I'm not broken." Yeah. This is the purpose of community.

[00:05:09] Yes. And it means that, you know, you may have to find a couple different communities and be Cinderella and see what shoe fits the best for you. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And, and again, you know, the community that you're in- Has to be the community that you are not the superstar in. Mm. I have communities in which maybe I'm a s- few steps ahead of people.

[00:05:35] Mm-hmm. 

[00:05:35] But I put myself in the communities where I am not the smartest in the room. Mm. I am the person who is there to gain from everybody else. Mm. You know, you and I, we met through Pat Flynn's community. 

[00:05:47] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Yes. 

[00:05:47] Julie DeLucca-Collins: I love that community. Yes. Yes. I love Pat. Yes. Why? Yes. Because for as much as I know, I know that in that place I am going to find somebody else that has it more together, that knows better, that can [00:06:00] teach me, that I can learn from, and that has been through exactly or similar to what I have been through so that I can see what the process is, right?

[00:06:09] Yes. And, and that's the part of community, and it's about knowing that everybody that comes in, whether you know a lot or a little, they have a place that contributes to the common growth of all of us. 

[00:06:24] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Yes. Now, okay, so I wanna get that concept, 'cause I know February- Mm-hmm ... it's about p- women who want ... who think that b- partnered up with someone validates their worth and maybe even- Mm-hmm

[00:06:35] confidence. I want to discuss how confidence isn't based on the relationship, but it's built. Mm. And you, you've mentioned that in the community that you're not getting confident by a person. No. Can you describe that dis- distinction? 

[00:06:51] Julie DeLucca-Collins: Yeah, absolutely. You know, one of, one of the biggest things that I have found that I have a community that I run for women entrepreneurs and thought leaders, or women who are starting to [00:07:00] become the thought leaders, but they, they don't come to the community because how great I am.

[00:07:07] Mm-hmm. They're coming to the community with their gifts, their talents, and the contribution- Yeah ... that makes the overall community better, that makes- Yeah ... us, um, the ability to support each other. And I love this phrase, I learned it from a girlfriend of mine, um, and she was probably one- my second interview on the podcast- Okay

[00:07:29] six years ago. Yeah. And I use it all the time now, and I told her, I, I'm stealing it. It's- I'll still give her credit, but it's believing mirrors. Okay. We are mirrors for one another- Mm-hmm ... and we reflect on each other our goodness, right? Mm. And we give each other the reflection that we need to shine. 

[00:07:50] Mm.

[00:07:50] And 

[00:07:50] when I am a little foggy, and if you're in a f- room full of mirrors, there's other mirrors that you can lean on to see the reflection of [00:08:00] goodness you have. Mm-hmm. And that's really what community is. Wow. And for me, if we surround ourselves in a place that is supportive and encouraging and is challenging us to be better- Yeah.

[00:08:15] Then we, it's a win-win for everybody- Yeah ... because guess what? And I'll give you the example. On Wednesday, I have my, my meeting, my, my Confident You co-op. Um, it w- it was a mastermind, but now we're calling it the co-op, and basically we have a new member, and here is someone who is incredibly gifted. I've been working with her for a few months, and she has a business in which she helps parents, right, uh, navigate neurodivergency for their kids.

[00:08:41] Hmm. But really, there's a lack of confidence in some ways, even though she's incredibly gifted and knows what she's doing, and we were talking about how she should position herself. What are the things that she can do, right- Yeah ... to, um, showcase her skills? And we [00:09:00] started talking about her background, and then all of a sudden, there's one thing that has been in the back of her mind for many years.

[00:09:07] Mm-hmm. She was an elite athlete. She was in the backup team for the Olympics for gymnastics- Wow ... and she was able to become successful despite the fact that she has a neurodivergent brain, that when she saw the parallel bars, it was, like, very difficult for her- It is ... and she overcame that. Wow. Now, she has never used that as her strength or talked about it and why that makes her better and understand the kids that she is coaching and the families navigate neurodivergency.

[00:09:45] And guess what? It took a room of individuals that said, "Holy crap. You what? You did that? You are," and poured into that woman- Wow ... so much so, that she was able to get it in, process [00:10:00] it, and then when she had a call with this big company, she talked about why she is possibly the best choice for them, and now has a brand-new client.

[00:10:10] Wow. But, you know, if we sit in the background thinking, "Oh, I have this little candle, this little light of sh- of mine is gonna shine, but you know what? I don't want people to see it 'cause I don't think people will understand what my light is," and we put it under, like the Bible says, that bushel, then nobody's gonna see our light.

[00:10:26] Whereas, it, when t- someone tells us, "Look how cool you are. Look at your candle. Shine bright, girl," then you're going to then be able to create the impact in somebody else's life- Oh ... because of what you bring to the table. 

[00:10:38] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: I love that. You know, confidence isn't that person telling you, it's you- Mm-hmm ... doing the mirror, 'cause we have mirror neurons- Yeah, exact-

[00:10:46] we're always reflecting- Exactly ... our journey. Yeah. And, and you are getting the confidence through yourself, through the people you are. Mm-hmm. You just have to sift through to make sure- Yeah ... are they, are they harming me or are they helping [00:11:00] me? Mm-hmm. And know that dif- you know, distinction of, of discernment.

[00:11:04] And I love how you said this little light of mine side note. Last week, uh, there were some things going on, and I had a dream. And I love dreams 'cause I'm EMDR certified- Mm-hmm ... and it talks about brain, uh, memories, dreams, and how we process. Mm-hmm. And so it was a really bad dream, and it had to do about the childhood.

[00:11:26] And, and, you know, and it had to do, like, something, like an evil premonition and the closet opening. And I remember singing in my dream, "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine." Right. Because that's what I believe in. I believe that no matter what- Mm-hmm ... I'm done. I'm done- Yeah ... of people talking behind my back.

[00:11:44] They can kick mud. 100%. I don't care, right? Mm-hmm. My opinion is what matters anyways. Yeah, absolutely. And so, yeah, and I sing, "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine." Mm-hmm. And my friend, who's working on it, right? He's working on it. Mm-hmm. And he tells me, "Amiga, I'm gonna [00:12:00] be next to you, and you're gonna share your shine with me."

[00:12:02] I'm like, "Get your own shine, amigo." "Because we both can shine, and we both can shine bright. You have it in you." Yeah. "And we're both gonna shine bright. Don't take my shine. You get your own." Mm-hmm. "You have it in you." Yeah. "And create it." 100%. And so that's my favorite song, 

[00:12:18] Julie DeLucca-Collins: just wanted to share. Yeah, I love that.

[00:12:20] See how things work out, right? I love it. When we are in alignment with- Oh, yes ... like-minded individuals, it just works out. 

[00:12:28] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: It does. Yeah, yeah. You know, and something that they do tell me, even my patients, and I tell them, uh, especially new ones when they call me- Mm-hmm ... and they're like, "Okay," you know, 'cause they think it's like I'm sick, cough, cough, give you medicine, all better.

[00:12:44] Mm-hmm, right, right. And coaching, counseling, journeys, it takes... It's a different, it's a different type of, of healing journey. Mm-hmm. And I tell 'em every individual is different. And, um, so emotional healing- [00:13:00] Habit building- Mm ... behavior change. How long, and again, everybody's different, but from your- Sure

[00:13:05] perspective, how do you explain to them how long before they start seeing change? How does it look like for you? 

[00:13:12] Julie DeLucca-Collins: Yeah, you know what? I think that this goes back to the whole concept of celebrating the gains and not the gap. And that's a book, by the way, by Dr. Benjamin Hardy, The Gap and The Gain. Okay. And, you know, most people, when it comes to habit creation, and we've heard it, right?

[00:13:28] Oh, you need 21 days, 66. Oh. No, honey. The, the process is different for everyone. Mm-hmm. The process is different for everyone. Yeah. And can you create a habit in 30 days? Sure. However, you're still going to be processing and having those frenemy behaviors or those long ingrained things in you, so it's gonna be easy to fall back.

[00:13:51] So let's stop measuring how many days and how long it takes. It's gonna take what it takes for you, as long as you're committed to the process- Mm-hmm ... and as long as you have the [00:14:00] accountability, as long as you start small, and most, most importantly, because this is how our brain works, celebrate what you just did.

[00:14:09] Mm. Why? Because the feel-good chemicals- Yeah ... help to ingrain the behavior in your brain. Mm. If we do something, right? Oh, I went to the gym. Oh, okay, went to the gym, yay, and then I think, "Okay, I need to go to the gym again. Oh, I have..." And then when we don't go, we, what do we do? "Oh, Julie, what a loser. You didn't go to the g- gym again.

[00:14:32] Oh, my God, you'll never achieve your goal." Right? Our whole pattern begins of telling ourselves how terrible we are at something. And then, of course, it's gonna be even harder for us to continue to, y- you know, going to the gym makes me beat myself up, so I might as well just go do something else, right?

[00:14:49] Because I don't wanna beat myself up and I don't wanna feel like crap for not going. I'm just gonna give up on that. Whereas, I went to the gym, I showed up. Good job, Julie. And guess what? When I, [00:15:00] sometimes I'm working on a habit, and this is the Tiny Habits coach in me coming out, I start small because you're not gonna change overnight.

[00:15:09] But give yourself the credit. When I started writing a book, I didn't give myself credit for writing a whole chapter. I gave myself s- credit for coming to my desk and opening up the document. Mm-hmm. And every time I opened up the document, I said, "Julie, good job. Look at you. You are a writer." Did I write anything that day?

[00:15:31] Maybe not. But I celebrated the identity of being a writer, and that, my friend, helped me show up the next day again because my brain says, "Oh, I like, I like feeling good about myself being a writer, so I wanna go and sit down at the desk and open the document again." And on d- some days, I would write a ton, and then some days- I would open the document and say, "Good job, Julie.

[00:15:56] You're a writer," and close it up and start with something else. But [00:16:00] I became and created the writing habit because I made my brain feel good, and therefore my brain created the behavior, and that's where people go wrong. We don't celebrate what we do. 

[00:16:13] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Mm. Yeah. Let's talk about the tiny habits. You mentioned it.

[00:16:16] Explain what tiny habits are because I do it with my patients, and they tend to minimize it. Yeah, but... Yeah, but... No. Yeah, but, 

[00:16:24] Julie DeLucca-Collins: right? 

[00:16:24] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: We... 

[00:16:24] Julie DeLucca-Collins: Yes. We... Yeah. Talk about that. Our brain will tell you, "Oh, but that doesn't- Mm ... do anything. Opening up the paper, opening up your, your document, that doesn't do anything." Honey, I have two books under my belt 

[00:16:39] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: now.

[00:16:39] Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 

[00:16:40] Julie DeLucca-Collins: And it does. And, and here's the thing. A lot of people think that we have to fill a bucket, and this is an example that one of my coaches one gave, once gave me. We think we have to open up the, the floodgates and the, you know, the, the manguera and throw- Right ... all the water in that bucket, and we're [00:17:00] gonna fill it up really fast.

[00:17:01] Mm. That's fantastic, but sometimes when the water is flowing so fast, you're gonna spill it over. Mm. Whereas if you're putting one drop at a time, the same thing. It's gonna take a little longer, but the drops will continue to be consistent and fill that bucket. And our society is so obsessed with getting it done fast- 

[00:17:21] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Yes

[00:17:22] Julie DeLucca-Collins: whereas what we talked about, right? Slow and steady wins the race. Yes. Yes. You're still gonna get to the same destination. Yes. And guess what happens- Yeah ... when you're in that slow and steady. You enjoy the journey. Yeah. Yes. You enjoy the journey. 

[00:17:37] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: It's about the journey, not the destination. It's about 

[00:17:40] Julie DeLucca-Collins: the journey.

[00:17:40] I did the Camino de Santiago, and I've been doing it in stages. And at first, right, the, the high achiever in me, I wanted to walk 25 miles per day, or, or kilometers rather, per day- Yeah ... which is a lot, and guess what? My body doesn't work that way. And guess what? If there was a great [00:18:00] spot where I got to have lunch with some locals and learn about them and talk to them- That was more productive, meaningful, and I still got to the same destination maybe the next day- Yeah

[00:18:13] but I c- came in with the knowledge that I had a wonderful relationship and connection and experience, as opposed to rushing through and getting to the next town just so that I can check off I got there in a certain amount of time. 

[00:18:26] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Oh, yes. And, and I'll hit it a little bit with my, uh, neurobiology type of expertise, 'cause I, I'm more like that with the- Mm-hmm

[00:18:37] dopamine and the oxytocin. So I'll tell myself, "Okay," and I tell this with my patients. I'll go, "Okay, you have to see what your feel-good is gonna be for that day. Is it gonna be the going to the gym and get your dopamines from m- running and working out? Fine. Is it gonna be sleeping in a little bit more and healing your brain and getting the dopamines?"

[00:18:54] Mm-hmm. "Fine. Is it gonna be taking your medication for your ADHD? Great. If you don't wanna do- Mm-hmm ... any of that, [00:19:00] you wanna eat some chocolate, a donut, go for it, you know? Yeah. But what is it that you're gonna get for your feel good?" And- Yeah ... and- Absolutely ... yeah. Yeah. But you are the one choosing and taking- Mm-hmm

[00:19:11] control and powerful of, of that- Yeah ... what do I want- Mm-hmm ... and, and- Yeah ... putting it together with your identity, your values of- Mm-hmm ... what I believe in. And- Yeah ... it's just so fun. 

[00:19:24] Julie DeLucca-Collins: Um- I know. I know. And again- Yeah ... your values, what you have as the core that says, "This matters to me"- Yes ... that makes it so much easier because sometimes I, I think that that's what it is, too.

[00:19:38] Yeah. We have goals. We have m- you know, things that we wanna accomplish. Yeah. But many times it's not aligned with our values. Yes. And we create these random goals or stretch, uh, you know, sprints for ourselves that are somebody else's dream. Oh, yes. Every time you're [00:20:00] trying to accomplish somebody else's dream and you're doing it in not alignment with who you are, what's important and what you value, you're going to fail.

[00:20:09] Yeah. You may c- do it, but not well, and you won't be at peace with what you've done. 

[00:20:14] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Mm. How do you practice that love of, your identity with valuing yourself without- Mm-hmm ... self-abandoning yourself? 

[00:20:23] Julie DeLucca-Collins: I think that it's a matter of just, again, you know, I, I, I often say in my podcast, I'm gonna say it again, it's about awareness.

[00:20:30] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Okay. 

[00:20:31] Julie DeLucca-Collins: Because we can fall back into the patterns. We can fall back into the, you know, the keep going and doing and all of a sudden we wake up and we're like Wait, what am I doing this for? And it really is a matter of just saying, "Hey, what, what do I value?" This is, um, in 2014, this is a long time ago. I can't believe it's been that long.

[00:20:50] But in 2014, I started a practice. Mm-hmm. And to this day, it's something that I'm not perfect at it, but it's on my [00:21:00] calendar- Okay ... as a reoccurring appointment. Okay. And the appointment is titled Revisit Your Life. And all I do is I go back and I open a note in my phone, and I look at that note, and it says, "These are the things that are important to me."

[00:21:19] Hmm. Service, growth, community, right? Yes. And then I go through the list of the things that I said I wanted to accomplish in my life. Mm-hmm. And some months, I look at it and I'm like, "Oh, yeah, I didn't climb Kilimanjaro yet," right? Yeah. However, guess what? I stayed true to the fact that service is my first and foremost.

[00:21:45] I stayed true, and then I, I say, "Well, what are the things that I need to do to stay true to these values? Are the things that I did in the month of..." And listen, in a couple days I'll be doing this, right? Yeah. And I have to go back and say, "What did I do in January that stayed [00:22:00] true to these? And what did I do in January that gets me closer to that?"

[00:22:03] That's how I wrote a book. That's how I became- Yeah ... a TEDx speaker. That's how I launched a business. Yeah. I got my yoga certification. I went on the Camino de Santiago. Yeah. That's how, right? Yeah. I- in, in becoming that person, but also going back and saying, "Hey, let me, let me see where I am." Kind of take stock of where you are in that journey because sometimes we, we just live with this default, this white noise of life.

[00:22:32] Yes. And- Yes ... like, oh, what, you know, I just, how did I get here? Yeah. And that happens to, especially now in midlife for so- Yeah ... many women. Yeah. They wake up and think, "Huh, what am I doing here?" Yes. "Is this what I wanted?" Yeah. And, and they're sleeping next to guys that are strangers and not the- Yeah ... person that, you know, they- Yes

[00:22:51] fell in love with. Yes. Because all of a sudden you're just doing and being and not connecting to the things that s- you said were [00:23:00] matter and important to you, to the things that you wanted to- Yeah ... maybe accomplish. And y- Yeah ... you know, there's nothing wrong with pouring yourself into a life of being a mom, having a career, or staying home, whatever it might be.

[00:23:13] Yeah. But don't wake up and decide, like, how did this happen? Yeah. Because this is your one life, my friend. 

[00:23:23] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Yeah 

[00:23:23] Julie DeLucca-Collins: And, and if you are in that spot- Yeah ... celebrate that that's where you are, and celebrate that you're listening to this conversation, and you can say, "Okay, maybe I haven't looked at what's important to me in 30 years.

[00:23:38] Maybe I haven't, you know, gone back and revisited what's important to me and the things that I wanted to do. But today I heard that I can do that, and today I can start." 

[00:23:48] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Yeah. Yeah. 

[00:23:49] Julie DeLucca-Collins: Because it doesn't matter when you're starting. It just matters that you're doing it and that you- Yeah ... do it again, and do it again- Yes

[00:23:56] and do it again- Yes ... and it becomes part of what you do. 

[00:23:59] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Yes. [00:24:00] You don't lose yourself in the grind of the- Yeah ... day to day, and just associate- Oh, shoulda, woulda, coulda, 

[00:24:05] Julie DeLucca-Collins: this- Yes ... it's something to get lost in. Yes. But stop, you know... And, and yes, do, will we have regrets? Of course. But if you figure out you have a regret, then say, "Ooh, how can I change that?"

[00:24:19] And it's okay if maybe the goals that you had as a 21-year-old, as a 30-year-old, as a 40-year-old are different from what you have today. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. We are human. Yes. We can shift. Yes. Our understanding of the world- Yes ... our values, the things that matter can change. Yes. But at least go and figure out what's important to you.

[00:24:39] Go and figure out what you want in your life, and then go. You don't have to, like, start this whole, you know- Yeah ... craziness. Just take one small step. Yeah. And tomorrow, after you took the step today, and you celebrated what you did today- Yeah ... tomorrow go and do it again- Yeah ... but do it 1% better. Because at the end of the day- Yes

[00:24:59] that 1% [00:25:00] better will give you the 37% better in one year- Yes ... as opposed to start, stop, start, stop, and then giving yourself the grief because you're not as far as you wanted to be. 

[00:25:10] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Yes. Thank you for sharing. And, and I'll share a little bit about my story for the audience, and some of them mostly know. You know, I was in a very broken home.

[00:25:20] I was a high school dropout, got married at 15, divorced by 21, a single mom. And I said, "Oh, my gosh, this was not the life I envisioned." That one decision. And my husband told me, "Well, that's all you knew." That's all you knew. 'Cause I remember being so hard at myself and going, "How did I do that?" Mm-hmm. And the judge telling me, "Well, you chose him."

[00:25:40] I was 14. And, and, you know, and, and he, he was 21. He was a predator. And so anywho, my husband's like, "Well, that's all you knew. Why are you hard on yourself?" Yeah. And I said, "You're right." It took me 10 years- 10 years to get out of that decision that I made, that it [00:26:00] may not have been my fault- Mm-hmm. Right

[00:26:01] but it was still my responsibility to keep moving forward, not for me, but for my kids. And so I kept moving forward, got my GED, went to college, you know, um, was a single mom, graduated with my associate's and bachelor's, you know, within two years, a- my master's the following, and, you know, decided to be where I'm at, me- my husband.

[00:26:22] And in that decision, it did... Was it in my plans? No. I, I talked to him. I had wanted to go, um, to college in Boston, I remember. And he... It was so interesting. I would not have met you, I told him. You know, you weren't- Right? Yeah. I... Kids were... It's not... I- didn't even, you know, on my head. Mm-hmm. But I love the deci- I take responsibility of the decision.

[00:26:47] I love m- I love being a mom. You know, it, it is what it is with the decision, but I said to myself, "You know, I wanna be the mom that I didn't have." Yeah. And so for those that think, oh, my gosh, being a stay-at-home mom, it's not [00:27:00] bad being a stay-at-home mom. It's not bad being a mom. You know? No. I, I love my, my practice, and I...

[00:27:06] And my patients know my kids come first. If there's something, my- Mm-hmm ... my, everything, my patients and everything, I s- I do my hours so I can pick up and drop off so I could be with them, 'cause they're here- Yeah ... for a little bit of time. And, and, and I love that. I love that- Mm-hmm ... that even though it wasn't in my plans, I love how it was just presented and- Yeah

[00:27:27] and you enjoy it, you know? So for those that make mistakes and go, "Oh, my God, but this wasn't in my plan," but how can you m- give it meaning? You know? Mm. Like you said. And, and you give this life meaning. You give it purpose. And I, I love where I'm at now. I never would've envisioned this life. But I- Right

[00:27:46] it's like, there's, like, wow, it was even better. We can 

[00:27:49] Julie DeLucca-Collins: choose. Yes. We can choose. Yes. And, and again, we can decide, right? You, you can decide that that [00:28:00] experience- Mm ... of being married at 14, you can make it mean that that was a terrible thing, or you can decide that, hey, that was the path that led me to today, to who I am- Yeah

[00:28:11] and what I'm doing and what I've created. Because if you didn't go through that, you probably wouldn't have created what you have done for yourself. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that that's where we really give ourselves a hard time, and we need to learn to give ourselves grace. Yes. We need to learn to give ourselves grace because, you know, we teach people how to treat us.

[00:28:33] Yeah. And when we don't give ourselves grace, then we're teaching people to not give us grace because we don't think highly enough of ourselves. 

[00:28:41] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Yes, and be around the people that do give you grace, 'cause- That's right ... you know, I remember- Yeah ... like, um, I have no contact with my side of the family, and I remember my sister going, "Don't hang around with me.

[00:28:51] You're a single mom." Like, ooh, that looks bad. And, or- Mm-hmm ... friends going, "Ooh, no. Yeah, she's a single mom." And so you wanna be around the people that [00:29:00] uplift you going, "Whoa, she's a badass." Yeah. I know. "She was able to do all of this?" And you know, my husband- Mm-hmm ... giving me grace going, "You didn't know any better.

[00:29:07] You didn't have any support system." And I'm like- Right ... I never thought of that. And it's just- Mm ... mirroring, you know, the things- That's right ... that you didn't know was there with the positive people. And so- 100%. 

[00:29:18] Julie DeLucca-Collins: Yeah. 100%. And I think that that's the place where, you know, through the work that you do, your show, what the, what I'm creating in our community, and what I'm hoping that every day when I come and do this work is because there is someone that didn't hear from somebody else that they needed to give themselves grace, that they are good where they are, and that they're capable of going and doing the thing that maybe they're not giving themselves credit for being able to do.

[00:29:48] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Yes, I love this. And- Mm ... before we close, I really want you to let our listeners know where they can connect with you, learn more about your work, and where they can find your book, Confident: Raw [00:30:00] Conversations. Mm. Yeah, Confident You. No. 

[00:30:02] Julie DeLucca-Collins: Amazing. Well, uh, Anita, thank you so much for having me. I, I am so fired up.

[00:30:06] This has been the best part of my day. Um, well, simply Julie DeLucca Collins anywhere on the web, but more importantly, go confidentlycoaching.com. That's where you can find everything Julie. You'll find the podcast, the book, and how people can collaborate, work with me, or become part of the community. 

[00:30:25] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Oh, and listen to her podcast.

[00:30:27] It is amazing, and her books as well, and who she works with. I mean, who you collaborate with, who you talk to. I mean, just like this conversation, you're gonna hear a lot more. And the TEDx, oh my gosh. I love it, you know? Thank you. Love it. Well, 

[00:30:42] Julie DeLucca-Collins: it's super fun to be able to be surrounded by individuals who are like-minded and are doing the work, that it's meaningful in creating a ripple effect in the world, and that's one of the things that I'm so grateful for, that I have been able to do in this journey, is surround myself with these- Yeah

[00:30:59] incredible [00:31:00] change-makers. 

[00:31:00] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Definitely. And as we talk of, as we talk about today about confidence, identity, habits, I always like to end these conversations by grounding us back to the core, um, about our audience of women, and I usually always ask two questions at the end of, uh, an episode. Okay. I'm in. So, yes.

[00:31:21] First, in your own words, what is your definition of an empowered woman? 

[00:31:28] Julie DeLucca-Collins: A definition of an empowered woman is one that knows that perfection is a myth- Yes ... but it's willing to keep going one step at a time. Oh. Whether, you know, they're afraid or whether they are alone, but they say, "You know what? Today I didn't hit it, but tomorrow I'm gonna do it, and even if it's one step forward, that's what I'm going to do."

[00:31:52] I think that's empowerment. 

[00:31:53] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Yes. Thank you so much. Giving yourself- Yeah ... grace is amazing. And our second question, last one, [00:32:00] I want you to imagine something with me. Uh, imagine that- Okay ... far into the future, everything about who you are, your work, your legacy, your teachings, your story, was somehow lost due to some unforeseen circumstance beyond your control.

[00:32:15] Ah. And generations passed, three generations. Mm. Within your lineage, woman lineage, within your family line, a daughter, granddaughter, great-granddaughter, niece, finds a single handwritten letter from you. Mm-hmm. You had this chance through that letter to bestow truth, wisdom, something to help them empower or move forward in their lineage.

[00:32:43] What would you share in that letter? 

[00:32:45] Julie DeLucca-Collins: Hmm. Such a beautiful question, Anita. I think that the biggest thing that I would share in that letter is, you know, we, we don't control what's happening around us. We [00:33:00] don't foresee what the places that we may be in, but number one is to look at themselves in the mirror and to see that it's not just me, but behind me, there are other incredible individuals who got us here, who, who maybe, um, exited relationships that were abusive.

[00:33:24] They were women who despite what people told them that they couldn't do, they did. I want them to know that inside them is all of the experiences and all of the choices, good and bad, but they are there in a place where they themselves choose for themselves- Yes ... what they're going to take from what they have inside them- Yeah

[00:33:49] and decide who they are without having to be, you know, described by anybody else. Yeah. Nobody else can define them- Yeah ... but [00:34:00] themselves. Yeah. Yeah. And I want them to know that we can also decide that what is, what's important to us, what's not important to us, and that who we can become is always a choice.

[00:34:15] It's always a choice. It's a daily choice, and it also means that we are going to be uncomfortable, but uncomfortable is the gift that we give ourselves. 

[00:34:26] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Mm. Yes. You know, and everyone, as we close today, I want to, to remind you that we are complete as we are. Mm-hmm. And we don't need to be chosen to define who we are, and empowerment is a journey.

[00:34:41] It's not something who you are, but it's something that we do and remember- Mm ... and invite within ourselves to, to be daily. So- Yeah ... you know, thank you so much for joining us, Julie. And- 

[00:34:54] Julie DeLucca-Collins: Thank you so much for having me- Yeah ... and for creating this beautiful space where [00:35:00] these conversations can be had, and that someone who maybe needed to hear this today- Yeah

[00:35:06] is going to say, "Ooh, I needed to hear that today." Yeah. And then they will take the next step forward in their lives. 

[00:35:14] Anita Sandoval LPC-S: Definitely. I'll make sure to put all her information in the show notes, everyone. Thank you. And until then, be well and stay safe.